He asked me how I felt. I don’t feel anything. I don’t feel happy nor sad. I’m pensive, but also not thinking of anything at all. I just exist throughout my day without attention, stimulation or sensation. It’s the strangest feeling to not feel anything at all. The last few months have been filled with work, friends, travel, a yoga retreat, concerts and events. There’s not much ‘down time’ generally in my world – but there is a difference between…
Late last year I did something very “Maria”…. I picked up the phone and called David’s ex wife. After nearly 15yrs watching them battle it out (and being told to stay out of it) – I knew it was time to get into the ring. I knew everyone was tired and traumatized by this connection. I knew we all wanted to grow, but was caged in the past. Most of all, I knew LOVE was needed to guide and heal…
Months ago I sat in my office midday, feeling despair, disconnection and division after (another) explosive argument with my husband. In my grief, I took out a piece of paper and wrote two letters. With my head on the desk and a puddle of tears beneath my cheeks, I wrote one letter to my deceased mother. I told her how much I missed her and needed her in that moment as I asked for guidance, support and faith. The second…
If you were to read my earliest blogs, it’s astounding how so little has changed. When I began this website, I was 25, single and living in San Francisco. In 2005 the world had yet to experience the black hole of social media, controversial viral posts and distracting 15-sec dance videos. I was writing my way through this world, seeking to connect and tell my story because I felt so many was defining mine up to that point. 17 years…
March 16, 2022 I’ve been seeking small pauses in my life. They aren’t big, normally they last for one second – but it’s the moment when you realize you are in transition, aware or in auto drive. I will give you some examples… When I fall asleep at night, or while I am dreaming, I am aware when my consciousness shifts and there is an energetic wave enveloping my body and brain preparing it to go into a deeper slumber.…
Last year I let go of a lot of things in my life. In fact, “letting go” has been a big part of my mantra both then and now. So I started letting go last year. I let go of expectations, not just of my partner but also what I tried to hold together. I let go of the idea that I needed to predict the future…that my sense of worth was tied to what a being saw in me.…
January 31, 2022 There was a ten year challenge floating around Facebook recently and I decided to recapture an image I took when the boys were 3, 2 and 8 months. It was a famous, controversial, conversational and inspiring portrait of who I was a decade ago….a woman who needed attention. I had overcome many things at that point. I struggled with my weight throughout my twenties and despite having three kids in a row, I was in great shape.…
My Ten Intentions for 2022: 1) Grow my hair. I miss french braids, wavy curls and I think I look younger.I want to go back to my roots (literally!) 2) Speaking of age…I will be 42 this year! A big focus is anti-aging. I love consistent facial treatments and I like trying dift products helping with wrinkles, dark spots and under eye circles. I didn’t start wearing moisturizer until my late thirties so I have a lot of catch-up. 3)…
My mother passed away on October 15 2021. The day started unusually usual. My husband surprisingly agreed to run three miles with me at 6am. I twisted my ankle on an acorn. I worked. I attended a meeting at a carehome. I picked up my niece from school for the first time and we had vegan ice cream and walked the shops. I dropped into Ulta, where my stepdaughter was getting her haircut. At around 4pm I received a call…
October 4, 2021 Be f*cking honest with yourself. As I write this I am performing home dialysis for my mother – a task no layman should ever do, but WILL do if required of them. I have watched and lovingly supported her through strokes, heart attacks, kidney failure, diabetes…and every single time she was additionally hit with pain, depression, anxiety… “They” always had a pill to save her. And it never did. It masked symptom after symptom. Despite emotional stress,…