Months ago I sat in my office midday, feeling despair, disconnection and division after (another) explosive argument with my husband. In my grief, I took out a piece of paper and wrote two letters. With my head on the desk and a puddle of tears beneath my cheeks, I wrote one letter to my deceased mother. I told her how much I missed her and needed her in that moment as I asked for guidance, support and faith. The second letter, I wrote to David. I told him how much I loved him but could no longer exist as we currently were.
In my life, I’ve always used instinct to direct which course to take. There is never an absolute right decision, however, since my goal is always growth – I often choose the more difficult path as one’s destiny is defined by the level of discomfort one can endure.
Since that day, I watched my life magically unfold. I decided to be a peaceful conduit for change in David and his ex-wife’s sacred but broken, marital contract. For nearly 15 years I watched them battle it out, while I stayed completely on the sidelines with my stepchildren. After years working on my own self love, it was time to test my commitment, so I stepped into the stadium and created a relationship with her.
In a matter of 3 weeks, I traveled to Hawaii, helped plan my father-in-law’s surprise 70th birthday and spent long days with my kids, niece and nephew. The day after I came home I hosted a birthday party for my middle son, then celebrated Easter with the family. That upcoming weekend I raced over to Vegas for a 40-mile bike race then flew to Atlanta, GA to film Family Feud for several days.
As I write this entry, I am laying beside my youngest on our 3rd day in Oregon for a soccer tournament. I even took my dog with us, sans David as he is in Peru for ten days (for a men’s retreat planned months ago).
I feel drained, but mainly distracted as there are fluxes in my businesses, a 21st birthday I am planning and a new but old void I feel in my soul.
Somewhere in this busy timeline I was able to connect to a higher vibration of love. Similar to my spiritual awakening in my twenties, it felt like an intoxicating yet exhilarating sense of oneness and peace with myself and the world around me. I could feel healing energy sweep through me as I dropped weight, grew disinterested in coffee, wine and chocolate and became lighter, brighter and more youthful to the people around me. My meditations were deeper, my mind felt clearer and my heart was expansive – I was deeply grateful for every person that led me up to this miraculous moment of reverence.
I felt emotionally free again. Just like I came into this world – without responsibility, obligation or commitment to anyone or anything. I was tired of keeping up with a version of me that was stuck in a cycle that was not fulfilling. I saw how I repeated patterns of my parents and equated personal sacrifice with love…how I dismissed feelings as a sign of weakness and therefore rejected my intuition, a deep knowing that has guided me my whole life.
Most of all, I saw my own betrayal – every time I didn’t honor how I felt and abandoned myself for someone else’s narrative and the role I served in their life’s theater.
When I was eight and learning how to properly write English sentences, I asked my teacher what the difference between ‘thinking’ and ‘feeling’ was. For my young mind, it didn’t make sense why people treated it like the same verb when it was clearly different to me then and especially now.
Your thoughts come from your head but your feelings come from your heart. The majority of my life, I’ve been led by rational things I can piece, program and put together, for it served me as an ambitious woman in this physical realm, esp in school, business and competitions.
My thinking brain served me but my feeling heart, saved me. It was when I irrationally bought a lone plane ticket to Europe, drove cross country with a stranger, sat in a plant medicine ceremony, started communicating with David’s ex or engaged in my most recent healing sessions…
I was called.
Since letting go, I made space for light to come in. I see future visions. I hear my truest voice. I am more honest with myself and genuine with the people around me.
I knew this upcoming decade would look vastly different from the last. I knew I couldn’t exist anymore as I once did and felt the energy shift. In examining that void I now feel…the first law of thermodynamics states that energy cannot be created or destroyed, only transmuted. Nothing is gone, it just changes form.
Just like the pain in watching my mother suddenly pass, I have a choice to stare at the darkness of an ending or believe in the brightness of a new beginning.
I choose love, light, life….
Thank you mom, for answering my prayers.
Wow this resonated with me so much! My mom passed April of last year. For a long time now I feel like I have given up my goals, visions, and dreams, the things that bring me joy, in order to follow in someone else’s life plans. With a partner and kids, it seems so easy to fall into. Sacrificing myself for them. Life is empty and I feel lost. Thank you for sharing. I hope to start listening to my inner voice too, and to start doing the things that bring me life. And to stop sacrificing my happiness for other people.
I’m sorry to hear this. If you can, practice meditation. It is life changing and helps silence the voices in your head.
Thank you for sharing… I have also experienced a similar “shift” in being. This began for me when I watched my own Mother pass from this world 6 years ago aged 69…
Im soon to turn 60, And I’m now in the happiest form of ME I’ve ever been in.
I send you love and light little sister, may your path continue to be illuminated … our Mothers never leave us..🌹
Oh yes, I’ve heard this happen to many after a significant person passes in their life. I feel my mom all the time. God Bless you
Life can change in a millisecond. I myself have been through extremely tough times as well. But I like you have chosen a new path in life. To surround myself with positive people and instantly block anyone who intentionally tries to provoke arguments or any kind of negative feedback. Every millisecond is a new day, new time, new future. Life is full of unexpected challenges.
The biggest mistake I ever made was assuming my kids needed a mom the most so I dated, etc… But what my kids said and taught me, you should have tried to make yourself happy, then we would have been happy too. So I hope you don’t fall in to that trap. Eternally remember, if your happy, your kids will be happy too, which is why I raised my kids myself because of what they taught me. Still have my 14 year old daughter left to go. Happiness comes and goes in milliseconds but no matter what happens keep going forward, never look back. Don’t let the past hold you hostage like it did throughout my life. I am eternally your friend.
Thank you so much for your wisdom Jim. For me, I don’t think my boys ever want to see me date anyone else but their father lol
I’m in this now. Excited to understand my feelings but not allow them to rule me while trusting my gut to guide me. It’s inspiring to hear your courage.
Trust your gut. Follow your heart.