Months ago I sat in my office midday, feeling despair, disconnection and division after (another) explosive argument with my husband. In my grief, I took out a piece of paper and wrote two letters. With my head on the desk and a puddle of tears beneath my cheeks, I wrote one letter to my deceased mother. I told her how much I missed her and needed her in that moment as I asked for guidance, support and faith. The second letter, I wrote to David. I told him how much I loved him but could no longer exist as we currently were.
In my life, I’ve always used instinct to direct which course to take. There is never an absolute right decision, however, since my goal is always growth – I often choose the more difficult path as one’s destiny is defined by the level of discomfort one can endure.
Since that day, I watched my life magically unfold. I decided to be a peaceful conduit for change in David and his ex-wife’s sacred but broken, marital contract. For nearly 15 years I watched them battle it out, while I stayed completely on the sidelines with my stepchildren. After years working on my own self love, it was time to test my commitment, so I stepped into the stadium and created a relationship with her.
In a matter of 3 weeks, I traveled to Hawaii, helped plan my father-in-law’s surprise 70th birthday and spent long days with my kids, niece and nephew. The day after I came home I hosted a birthday party for my middle son, then celebrated Easter with the family. That upcoming weekend I raced over to Vegas for a 40-mile bike race then flew to Atlanta, GA to film Family Feud for several days.
As I write this entry, I am laying beside my youngest on our 3rd day in Oregon for a soccer tournament. I even took my dog with us, sans David as he is in Peru for ten days (for a men’s retreat planned months ago).
I feel drained, but mainly distracted as there are fluxes in my businesses, a 21st birthday I am planning and a new but old void I feel in my soul.
Somewhere in this busy timeline I was able to connect to a higher vibration of love. Similar to my spiritual awakening in my twenties, it felt like an intoxicating yet exhilarating sense of oneness and peace with myself and the world around me. I could feel healing energy sweep through me as I dropped weight, grew disinterested in coffee, wine and chocolate and became lighter, brighter and more youthful to the people around me. My meditations were deeper, my mind felt clearer and my heart was expansive – I was deeply grateful for every person that led me up to this miraculous moment of reverence.
I felt emotionally free again. Just like I came into this world – without responsibility, obligation or commitment to anyone or anything. I was tired of keeping up with a version of me that was stuck in a cycle that was not fulfilling. I saw how I repeated patterns of my parents and equated personal sacrifice with love…how I dismissed feelings as a sign of weakness and therefore rejected my intuition, a deep knowing that has guided me my whole life.
Most of all, I saw my own betrayal – every time I didn’t honor how I felt and abandoned myself for someone else’s narrative and the role I served in their life’s theater.
When I was eight and learning how to properly write English sentences, I asked my teacher what the difference between ‘thinking’ and ‘feeling’ was. For my young mind, it didn’t make sense why people treated it like the same verb when it was clearly different to me then and especially now.
Your thoughts come from your head but your feelings come from your heart. The majority of my life, I’ve been led by rational things I can piece, program and put together, for it served me as an ambitious woman in this physical realm, esp in school, business and competitions.
My thinking brain served me but my feeling heart, saved me. It was when I irrationally bought a lone plane ticket to Europe, drove cross country with a stranger, sat in a plant medicine ceremony, started communicating with David’s ex or engaged in my most recent healing sessions…
I was called.
Since letting go, I made space for light to come in. I see future visions. I hear my truest voice. I am more honest with myself and genuine with the people around me.
I knew this upcoming decade would look vastly different from the last. I knew I couldn’t exist anymore as I once did and felt the energy shift. In examining that void I now feel…the first law of thermodynamics states that energy cannot be created or destroyed, only transmuted. Nothing is gone, it just changes form.
Just like the pain in watching my mother suddenly pass, I have a choice to stare at the darkness of an ending or believe in the brightness of a new beginning.
I choose love, light, life….
Thank you mom, for answering my prayers.