The other night I read an entry written years ago when I would go to sleep crying each night during our marital separation. At the time I was prayerful, still trying to hold onto but also cut that last bit of hope – because I was feeling pain, resentment and anger. I recall going to sleep with moistened eyes having expelled a lot of effort in my sadness and surrendering what was left of my faith... While asleep I heard…
A friend recently asked me how I overcome marital challenges. I told her in my time of struggle I knew I was fighting an evil energy attacking my home and infiltrating the people around me. I told her to pray hard, to know the spiritual battle taking place and to stay vigilant if saving her marriage was her truest intent. Even though there are pretty couple pics (constantly) shared online, know that everyone struggles. After all, there are two people,…
When I’m ready to zone out, lately I’ve been turning to bad reality TV. For some reason, watching MTV reminds me of my younger years bingeing on “Real World”, “Road Rules” and my fascination with “Teen Moms” – OG of course, because I seemingly only catch the first season to everything – especially now, as a busy mom with absolutely no free time. I slept 12 hours this past Sunday. Came home after an entire day filled with baseball games,…
I lost my engagement ring last week. As we were driving to the employee holiday party, I reached down into my purse where I had left it last and couldn’t find it. I only recently started wearing it again and was in disbelief that something I cared little about months ago, was now frantically taking over my psyche as I tried to recollect all the places I had been the last 48 hours. Could it be Walmart? While grocery shopping?…
November 15, 2016 Our first argument was about mustard. Exactly this time in November many moons ago, my boyfriend and I fell in love. We had a long-distance relationship and were excited to plant roots together in the same city. While on our road trip from Mississippi to Sacramento I bought him a cheeseburger at a restaurant. Even though he mentioned he detested the taste of mustard once before, I forgot to request his meal without it. When I realized…
Oct 2, 2016 Months ago I separated from my husband. Every day since, my moods have been volatile, colorful and constantly changing. I’m either up or down, angry or ok, upset or calm, tearful or solemn. Like my life this past year, I feel like I’m just trying to stay above water, trying to hold things together while breaking slowly apart. In these last several months, I began to wail – a deep, weeping cry that travels deep into one’s…
August 22, 2016 I write while standing at a life crossroad. I never knew I’d be standing here, re-planning my world and wondering which road would be the wisest to take. I’ve thought about every event that led up to this moment in time – from my own appraisal and past selfishness, to resentments, frustrations, withdrawals and betrayals. I’ve cried nearly each day for a month and have gone through each stage of grief: shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, testing…
December 4, 2015 My life is in a stand still. On my 35th birthday I took a lone walk in the snowy woods. I was in my annual routine – just me, nature and God. I didn’t receive presents, I had an inedible cake and was surrounded by strangers. I was filming a project to be released next year. At night the stars lit up the sky and like the child I was at 5, I looked up and asked…
I fell in love with my husband while standing over an ant hill. On a random fall afternoon, we decided to take a walk through a nature preserve in a small town in Mississippi. It was quiet, peaceful and serene – a far cry from the perennial loudness we experience with our little ones today. It must’ve been just a month into our relationship and I was still infatuated by this charming poet, a divorced father who still believed fervently…
October 8, 2013 Today I cried. I cried because I missed my husband. I missed the young couple we once were. I missed the moment we first met, I missed the long drives we once took, I missed sharing a bed with him – just he and I – without a child in-between. I see him often in-between tasks, during dinner and before bedtime. We plan date nights once a month and interact via text throughout the day. Despite these…