August 22, 2016
I write while standing at a life crossroad.
I never knew I’d be standing here, re-planning my world and wondering which road would be the wisest to take. I’ve thought about every event that led up to this moment in time – from my own appraisal and past selfishness, to resentments, frustrations, withdrawals and betrayals. I’ve cried nearly each day for a month and have gone through each stage of grief: shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, testing and now acceptance.
I accept I have no control over this situation and have detached myself from the outcome.
I’m focused on letting go, whatever that means, in whichever form that takes.
I struggled writing about this pain because it’s not something I’m proud of. It’s not something I have answers to. Right now is not somewhere I’ve ever been before…
Yet I thought of the last ten years blogging online as followers read my fears, from struggling with Bulimia, quitting my job, praying for my future husband, starting a nonprofit, having an unexpected pregnancy, dealing with online backlash and participating in a critically edited TV show. In each of those stages, I was scared of the unknown and wasn’t sure if I could see past that present moment, and yet I lived, I overcame and I later understood the purpose behind each pain.
I can’t wait to get there.
I can’t wait to look back and read this reflection with a peaceful heart, a forgiving soul and an open mind. After months avoiding the keyboard, I decided to sit down and finally write this, after all, I’m no stranger to fear, criticism or conflict.
I’m not perfect.
My marriage isn’t perfect…and it never will be.
Onlookers have told me that if you love someone, you wouldn’t hurt them. Love is a feeling, where they bring joy, happiness, love and respect. Love makes you a better person and brings out the best in you. Love is passion, desire and excitement – a positive emotion that many declare is what being ‘in love’ is.
I’ve always believed that love is a commitment. Love is self-sacrificing, unselfish, and ever-changing, always growing and never-ending. I believe that love is a discipline, a minute-by-minute choice to act with kindness, speak with understanding and love without conditions. I believe that feelings constantly change, people constantly change, but our belief set and who we intrinsically are, do not change.
I’m struggling today.
I struggle with the idea of choosing to be in an environment that could potentially hurt me. I struggle with partnering with someone who may not share the same belief set. I struggle with my own deficiencies, my wrongdoings and internal pride. I am struggling.
So here I stand and here I go –
I’ve detached myself from this situation and have decided to let go, listen to my heart, live with awareness and land wherever my soul settles in the next several months.
Throughout my life I’ve always chosen routes dependent on the difficulty, for whatever is hardest, is what makes you grow the most. Getting comfortable with being uncomfortable has been my life’s philosophy.
So in true Maria style, I’m choosing the harder route.
Wish me Luck.