December 4, 2015
My life is in a stand still.
On my 35th birthday I took a lone walk in the snowy woods. I was in my annual routine – just me, nature and God. I didn’t receive presents, I had an inedible cake and was surrounded by strangers. I was filming a project to be released next year. At night the stars lit up the sky and like the child I was at 5, I looked up and asked God “Why am I here?”
These past few weeks I existed temporarily in a world where I was a pawn piece who was calculatedly placed in different situations to elicit reaction. It was an incredible experience. These last 35 years, I lived just like billions of people who want “The Dream” of raising healthy children, owning a home, having a business and existing in a seemingly perfect marriage. It all seems perfect, until something cracks and reveals the imperfection lying within your glass house.
Like the tiny rock that hits your windshield, expands, grows and eventually breaks the protective wall between you and the outside world, your “reality” will break too, once you realize that it’s a game of you and the outside forces that be.
I came back home emotionally fatigued. For the first couple days my body was here, but my mind was somewhere else. A week prior, my body was there, but my heart was here.
I didn’t know how to operate.
I didn’t want to work, workout, drive, eat, or sleep. I didn’t want to write, I didn’t want to post in social media, even though I discovered my husband had posted on my behalf while I was away.
I struggled with his posts.
We’ve had our challenges this past year and to re-read some of those instances was tough. I saw a post where he mentioned not acknowledging me the day my book launched. While he wisely spoke about love languages, all I remember was working nonstop leading up to that day, being sick and traveling to New York and crying most of that day – wondering why he was so hostile and couldn’t say, text or post: “Good Job honey” or “I’m proud of you”. There have been times we both felt disconnected and disrespected, moments when we talk and you’re certain no one is listening.
It’s not easy to be in a fast-paced partnership where two strong egos sleep in the same bed.
I struggled with him posting after I requested several times that he didn’t. I didn’t mind of course, because he does what he wants to do, even though he knows I would disagree.
And that’s what leads me to this standstill.
Beyond the show that will produce and air next year, there is a character we portray in the show called our Life. We can act wise, funny, successful, romantic, loyal and devoted – but that’s all show.
The truth is, we are all imperfect. What we show others through posts, pictures and even a TV episode, is what we choose to reveal. In my online world, there has been intimate stories of marital struggles, weight fluctuations, bouts of depression and constant seeking of purpose.
Today I have a story, but it’s not mines to tell.
I was ecstatic to receive my phone the day of our Anniversary (I didn’t have access to anything)
I’m sure he was surprised to hear from me.
Typical morning pic.
I dreamt of waking up with my boys every day while away. I missed my family so much.
You are only a pawn piece who was calculatedly placed in different situations to elicit reaction because you allow yourself to be. You could live a simpler life if you wanted to. Couldn’t you have said no to this filming? Maybe this one time you stretched yourself a bit too thin. If you are like me and susceptible to depression at times then you have to preserve and protect your “mental capital” at all costs. I sympathize with the comments about the husband doing whatever he wants though 🙁 It sucks when you feel like you need his support the most, you tell him that, and he lets you down.
I too have often fallen in to the avism of drepression for taking on more than I can handle. Women often consider everything else before considering themselves, thus jeopardizing our mental and emotional well being. I know there is nothing anyone can do or say to make things feel better, but just know that you are not alone. As a mother, wife, doughter, arduous worker, and athlete, me and many others, sympathize with you. We share your struggle. We were made to endure and persevere, god knows your limits.
I send love & prayers to you & your family.
Yes, you’re right. I own all my decisions and am aware of the consequences. I would do it again as it was a great experience and truly an adventure 🙂 Did I spread myself too thin? Not sure yet. I think what happened and transpired in the end was going to happen so it came about sooner than later, which I’m grateful for.
Maria I am so sorry this was a struggle for you. Your soul is so beautiful and I can say that for sure because of the time I have spent with you. You are right, one well placed rock can lead to a small crack that can continue to spread. The goal is to fill that small crack in fast with love and prayer before it spreads. Continue to take 1 day at a time and know you are loved. He has is plan for you and you may never understand His plan but with prayer you will navigate it with your head held high. Love you.
Maria..I’ve always been a strong supporter of your healthy lifestyle message to women. I remember when I first found out who you were and defended you fiercely against people who hated you for no legitimate reason. You soldiered through all of that and still do I’m sure. So now…faced with this difficult time you will do the same. Take some time to sort out feelings and obligations and make choices that are good for YOU mentally and physically. Much love and light to you and your little ones !
As a strong willed man with a hectic schedule married to a woman with the same, i can only suggest you remember your husband loves you very much. He might not be always the best at giving it to you in the form you need it most, but it looks like he is trying. I wage the same battle with my wife as we tumble through life at a mad pace.
Pressure produces diamonds. Keep the faith! All will work out as it was always meant to be.
Your husband loves you so much. It is so apparent in all that he does to defend you. He is proud even if he doesn’t always say it. Focus on all that he does that makes him the man you love and you see it everyday. I’m so happy you are home with your family. I know how painful it must have been to be away like you were. Please take care of yourself.
So glad you were just doing a show. I was worried a family member was ill, you were ill…something negative was happening. It’s good to get away from things for a short time. It obviously changes your perspective, makes you think differently. Glad you are back. Also glad your husband posted because I was worried that something bad might be happening.
❤️ You are an amazing woman, may God continue to bless you ❤️
I love you Maria. It’s true how we are all imperfect. Everyday trying to be the better version of our self. With God’s help we see things only he can. He opens our eyes, heart and mind that even in marriage we need GOD into it. I am happy to hear how you had a good time and talk with our GOD. He is Awesome and King if everything.
GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR MARRIAGE.
Hi Maria, I remember reading some posts while you were away and at first I thought “is he allowed to be doing this?….what would Maria say?”…and then I saw how honest he was, and to which many people can relate. I realised that he was probably a little lost without you, and it was his way of connecting with you. It surely didn’t make me think any less of you to see these comments – all I can say is that you’re human, you’ve endured many challenges, and those boys adore you! You inspire so many people – who are human too – and have windshields that too, can crack. I hope you get time to recharge x
Sweet lady, I totally understand. What a difficult time you have endured. The persecution of your mission on top of being a working mother and wife has got to be so intense. Thank you. You have been a huge source of inspiration for me, not because of your book or your fitness. You inspire me because following my dreams and staying true to the person God made me to be is terrifying. I am only now learning who that is and wow, it is a lot. You are brave enough to do that in the public eye and I thank you. I am sorry your husband said too much. I am sorry you feel violated. He reminds me a lot of my husband, they even look alike. Sweet souls that can make really stupid decisions sometimes. They just do it.
Maybe you should delete the posts? Its a step. You fierce and lovely mama, I pray for your peace and clarity in this situation. I pray for love, forgiveness and growth. Take care.
That guy really loves you, & as a screwed up man, I sure see it.
It takes two to work it out! This is coming from a man who has hundreds of cooked dinners, diapers,late nights with kids, etc, & yes, I had a full time job. I also don’t have a brain injury from my war as does David from his! No excuses,just facts, ma’m.
I wish you BOTH the best! Also, no “I” in team.
Sending Prayer to you and your family for clarity, guidance and God’s Love through your storm/tribulation…thank you for your transparency.
So many people jump to the defense of one person or another whenever there are difficulties in relationships, which is often. It’s easy for outsiders to say “you should do this, you shouldn’t do that…he clearly loves you, you’re not grateful.” In the end though, only YOU knows what sits right with your soul. As women, I think it’s imperative that we are honest and forthcoming about our struggles. So often we try and manage them as we manage the rest of our lives…nice and neat. But life is not always nice and neat. As a mother who chose to leave a marriage after 14 years of being in the relationship, and 4 children later, I can only say that in the end it was the best thing for my soul, my spirit, and my well being. After a confusing and often scary time, I emerged on the other side of the divorce a complete person, something I never had before. We have both become better parents because of it. And my conscious is finally at ease. Whatever your path, let spirit guide you. God will not lead you astray.
Sending prayers your way, just read your hubby’s post. As cliche as the saying goes, “You’re never given more than you can’t handle.” He (God) always has a plan and a reason for your life struggles. I say this as I too need to put my faith in Him. Hugs! Welcome back and take it day by day.
Ok, Maria. You got some serious problems with your marriage. But Don’t worry I’m here to solve this mess. Trust Me! I’m the smartest SOB you never knew you met. Ok first. There’s two types of men in life. The guy that does the right thing and the guy that says the right thing. Your husband is a very smart guy that says the right thing. In my mine line of work we call these guys the manupulative Son’s Of B%^$#s. However, Thats ok, No ones perfect. Maybe he is jerk half the time. But the other half the time…. he is asleep. So we can work with that. Here’s what I suggest ever see the movie “Network”? Famous film made in 1976, the main character Howard Beale goes animal crackers crazy in this film. One of the best all time lines from a movie is when Howard yells, “I’m Mad As Hell and I’m Not Gonna Take It Anymore!”. Maria, You need that Howard Beale moment. Running out of space here. Stay with me Maria I’m going to post another comment after I change my pants.
Ok, I’m back. This is what I want you to do Maria. After work, drive home, open the front door, take you shoes off and yell “I’m Mad As Hell And I’m Not Gonna Take It Anymore”. That should get everyone ‘s attention. The reason I say this is, sometimes it’s very theraputic to yell. In college i use to practice Scream Therapy. I use to share a dorm room with three guys. At least once a week you would find me at my desk, very quite and studious and then I would slowly get up, walk out room, walk to the end of the hall, open a window and SCREAM every EXPLETIVE WORD I could think of. After 15 seconds I would close the window, walk back to my room and continue my studies. Worked wonders for me I strongly recommend it. The reason I say this is for one importnant reason “Happiness Is In The Crazy” It’s my motto. If you aren’t acting balls out of the pants crazy every now and then, You really will go crazy. So there you go! Words to Live By. Ok, Back to your problem. Your marriage is going to crap. I have an excerise for you. I want you to ask your husband your kids a couple times this week an open ended question. “What would you like?” Thats it, thats all I want you to say. If you ask your kids tomorrow morning, one might say I would like a piece of Strawberry Rhubard pie the size of my head. Doesn’t matter what they say. The reason you ask it is, is to see what is on their mind. If you ask your husband David at 10:30 pm “What Would You Like?” You might get a complete different answer. The answer is not importnant, the dialogue is importnant. What really will make you and your family happy is what is important. I think you maybe very interested to find out what makes your husband and kids happy, actually would make you very happy as well. We all need to change and grow as people. There is no perfect. Best Wishes This New Year. Long Live The Kang Family.
Glad to read this post. I was worried about you. I don’t know what to say exactly, but I would like to just encourage you to keep working on communication with your husband. Boundaries are necessary in all relationships. If his posting onto your account was something you didn’t want him to do and he did it anyway, you can address that specifically as well as how he needs to respect your wishes. What if you had older kids and they did a similar thing when you were away? It would make you upset, but maybe after that you would find a way to protect your account from anyone posting on it but you. Express your needs to your husband, hold him accountable, and keep working on communication, forgiveness, and compromise. I struggle with depression and it’s very hard to manage my life without becoming overwhelmed. I’m listening to an audio book on mindfulness. So far, I love it and it’s helping me stay in the present and keep my focus. I’ve never understood meditation or used it before, but I think it’s worth looking into – especially to help find balance and stillness. Wishing you all the best, Maria. And thank you for your honesty.
Maria You Are Doing Great! Stop worrying about stuff. Stop thinking. Just sit there like a melon for a minute. Clear your mind and just breathe. I read a book over twenty years ago called “Awakening The Budda Within”. After reading the book, I was amazed at how much the book and I were alike. It was strange, everything I read explained how I think. After that book I exclaimed “Hell, I guess I’m a Buddist”. And even thou I don’t practice today, the teachings of Buddism I still reflect on when I’m in a bad place. The reason for the story is everyone goes through bad times. Time heals all wounds. Just be patient. You really don’t need to do anything, other than be patient. It will all work, I promise. I’m a Buddist you can trust me! Haha.
I’m one of the bloggers who spoke out against you in 2013, and a reader recently sent me the link to this post with the comment “#karma”.
I’m sure they were expecting another take down post, but I will never kick another woman when she’s down. Reading this felt hauntingly familiar, and I hope I don’t come across as trying to make your pain about me, I just want you to know at least one other person has been there, and perhaps something will resonate and give you insight. Please forgive this excessively long dissertation.
The first time my shrink used the word “abuse”, I said “that’s ridiculous! How?! He never hit me, he never called me names!”
What she said was similar to your cracked windshield analogy; “if you put a frog in a pot of boiling water, it’ll jump out. If you put a frog in a pot of cool water and gradually turn up the heat, the frog won’t even know it’s being cooked until it’s too late.”
Where many folks are seeing your husband’s posts as harmless, I’m seeing the heat being turned up. the phrase “I struggled with him posting after I requested several times that he didn’t. I didn’t mind of course, because he does what he wants to do, even though he knows I would disagree.” is telling. You DO mind. You are hurting and he needs to stop making excuses and address your pain.
Generally speaking, by the time someone actually talks about how their significant other has hurt them, the metaphorical frog is medium rare.
What outsiders saw was me “abandoning” my husband, being ungrateful for the car and house he provided, and being a spoiled bitch with designer pocketbooks and new clothes every week. What they didn’t see was him trashing the house so I couldn’t have friends over, cutting my brakes so I couldn’t leave, the fights before the gifts where he’d humiliate me in public and threaten suicide when I tried to end the marriage. Him threatening to slit his wrists if I didn’t answer my phone (even when I was at work or church), him threatening to kill us both if I didn’t give him the affection he felt he deserved.
I never talked about those things because I was embarrassed. I prided myself on being a strong outspoken feminist, and feminists are not “supposed” to be abused. To me, admitting what was going on was admitting I was weak for allowing it, and stupid for staying.
And even after I realized I was being cooked, I stayed in the pot because I felt responsible for his happiness. I felt guilty for marrying him when I knew from day 1 I didn’t love him.
Possibly in an attempt to manipulate me into staying, five years ago, on the night before Thanksgiving, out of nowhere, he said “It’s clear you’re miserable. Why don’t you just leave?” and I did. At midnight, in my pajamas, with nothing but my cat, dog, and insulin.
I don’t have children, so my situation is 1000% easier than yours, but please think about your next move.
If you’ve read my blog, you know I’m not capable of bullshitting and sugarcoating, so when I say I hope things work out, you can take it to the bank and cash it. Also, you are handling this situation with class and decorum, which I admire. Take care of yourself mentally and cry when you need to. I’m no medical professional, but I strongly encourage you to consider antidepressants. I’m inferring that you’ve been feeling down for a while and no amount of healthy living can cure a chemical imbalance. I was stubborn about psychiatric help for years, but it’s amazing how much better you feel when you’re lifted out of the rut.
Oh, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned these past five years, it’s that I am indeed the baddest bitch 🙂
Maria, you are so beautiful, so honest. You did not have to explain anything. I just wish you to rest and find joy again.
Take time to heal/rest.
Somehow I came across this while looking for something else. I hope things get better for you. I said a prayer for you. Hang in there. This too shall pass…
I read those posts and really appreciated them. I bet he did it because he thought that they would benefit you and because he thought that even if you did not agree he knew better than you. Maybe he was or he wasn’t right but does it matter? You both are only human & that means you can make mistakes. For you not to accept that he interferes with your work while you are away is like you don’t fully accept him for who he is. So what if he could not acknowledge what you achieved when you published your book? How was he feeling? Maybe he was not in a place where he could afford to “give” acknowledgement… feel compassion instead of anger or disappointment. Ofcourse it can pissyou off in the moment, it happened to me too, maybe you can feel disappointment for just a moment that you don’t have a strong enough person beside you but immediately after you realize that when you chose him you knew how he was.
Focus more on the person & less on the institution of marriage.