October 8, 2013
Today I cried.
I cried because I missed my husband. I missed the young couple we once were. I missed the moment we first met, I missed the long drives we once took, I missed sharing a bed with him – just he and I – without a child in-between.
I see him often in-between tasks, during dinner and before bedtime. We plan date nights once a month and interact via text throughout the day. Despite these weak efforts to stay connected, in the monotony of our busy lives, I felt like we lost our passion for each other. Some days I would look in the mirror and wonder if he really saw me – because in becoming an abrupt mother of three boys, I often wonder if I could see me anymore.
Fall season always reminds me of when I first met my husband.
Many years ago I decided to network with other nonprofits on MySpace and found an intriguing comment from a handsome man. So I clicked on his profile, went directly to his blogs and was immediately impressed by his profound poetry. I didn’t check if he was single or look through his photos. I simply subscribed to his blogs without giving it much more thought.
As a writer and blogger, it was natural for me to connect with people online and resonate deeply with their thoughts. At the time I had no idea his inspiration came from a history paved with success, divorce, failure, love, injury, pain, depression and hope.
A couple weeks later I received several comments on my blogs. It took me some time to realize it was the ‘poet’ I subscribed to weeks beforehand. After several emails, we began conversing for long durations on the phone. A month or so after, we finally met.
Before getting off the plane to meet him I felt mildly uncomfortable in my skin. Despite my efforts to lose weight, I was still 20lbs overweight from years of disordered eating. I quit my corporate job months beforehand and returned home to live with my parents. I just founded a nonprofit and lacked a steady income. He was a former Marine and divorced father with a traumatic brain injury. When we joined, both our lives were experiencing a transitional stage of humility and perseverance.
When we first gazed at each other, I was in disbelief that this was the man I shared so many endless nights talking about life, love, happiness and hopes with. He wasn’t the man I typically dated – obviously – as I never dated anyone with such a colorful past. Despite some of his initial ‘baggage’, I instinctively knew that we were both meeting each other during a moment in time. Things change. We will change. And we never know what the future held for either of us. I will not always have my beauty, we will not always have our youth – and as David has already experienced, we may not always have time – especially when you only have 5% chance of surviving after a car bomb in Iraq.
So I miss that time.
I miss that moment. The moment we first caught eyes, first held hands, first touched lips…I miss the moments that eventually created the ripple effect of lasting change and revolution in two very different people, with two different life histories.
In our years together we have both transformed. Despite our united journey in raising a family and sustaining a marriage, we often forget that we are still on our personal, individual life journey – trying to find who we are and what makes life’s hustle more meaningful. It’s not for him to define my life for me –or vice versa – it’s for us to help each other, support each other, forgive each other…
Today I cried. I cried because I want to begin prioritizing the first commitment that birthed the multitude of commitments I now experience daily. I want our marriage, the way we envisioned it… a marriage permeating in passion purpose and promise, a hopeful life that we know, without each other, would not be possible.
The first step in wanting change is to feel and desire it in your heart. I deeply missed my husband yesterday and today I am going to start displaying it, saying it and praying for it.
I love you David.
One of our engagement photos in Sacramento. Image by Eye Connoisseur.
190 Comments
This was beautiful. I too have cried over similar situations. But your love for eachother still shines through no matter what happens in life! Commitment is a BEAUTIFUL thing. XO
You said the right word, “commitment” – it’s difficult but it is beautiful
I can totally relate to this. I often feel the same way since my husband and I both work full time, have 2 active boys, and on top of that he works swing shifts so we are often on different schedules. I too miss the way we were 10 years ago when we first met. Need to work on getting back to those times!
yep – on the same page. Let’s get to work!~
Beautiful! I am newly married and had only been with my husband less than 2 yrs prior to our wedding day. I’m aware that although things are whimsical and beautiful now, that many years down the road things will change, we will change, and our marriage will have to adapt. But the first step in all that is the desire and willingness to keep making it work. Thanks for the great post!
I understand where you are coming from as we discovered we were pregnant a little less than a year after dating. It was a commitment right away but I knew he was the one and I would stay committed to him…
I love your story, your a beautiful women, I wish I had the energy you have to look the way you do. I am also a Mother of 3, daughters, my girls are bigger now 18,14 and 10. I love the story you posted today because I also miss my husband and the times we used to have together, before all the craziness that we have been thru. The great thing that you and your husband have is that, you guys still make time for each other. Where we don’t anymore. it’s been too many years to count. I wish you all the best with your beautiful family. God bless
You can get more energy and you can make time now (with your husband). You just have to desire it! I know it’s tough but it is possible…
This brought tears to my eyes. I too have three children and can relate. Thank you for sharing this.
Thanks Brandi. 3 kids rock
I can relate to this blog so much! My husband and I have been married 6 years and we have three children (the oldest just turned 4 and youngest 1) and one on the way. We do date nights weekly, however, the last few weeks we haven’t due to the pregnancy sickness (it is not morning sickness when it is all day long). Some days I miss those days when it was just the two of us. I wouldn’t change my life for anything. But I do know exactly where you were coming from. I was just thinking about this as I went to bed last night. When I read your blog this morning I was amazed at how closely I felt the same way! I will begin praying for your marriage as well 🙂
Ohh girl !I cried too, definitely, I’m just like you, it’s amazing, I’m shocked, sometimes one believes to be the only person who feels this way, I am grateful to read this and see that we are not alone in this, so I guess thinking about it now we are not the only different.
Have discovered you on facebook was great!
I apologize for my terrible English, I hope you can understand me.
God bless you
Regards Andrea
Thanks Andrea. I appreciate your comment and happy you found me!
You’re a gifted writer with the soul of a poet Maria, you captivate your readers with the heart of truth in your pen. I have found such a man at long last myself after kissing many toads for 42 years. I recognize the gift we have been given and totally understand these moments you miss, I am living my moments now. Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you Vida.
Your words are so deep! You speak for so many people when you talk about missing that connection with your love. We see that a lot in our office. My husband and I have a marriage counseling practice. But not everyone who comes to us is falling apart…although so many people do come to us when their relationship is falling apart and we’ve helped them stop their divorce, remarry each other after they’ve divorced and are having second thoughts about their separation, and we have helped hundreds of people recover after infidelity.
We see people who don’t want their marriage to end up like the status quo and so they are determined to be proactive. It is so lovely to see couples come in worried and hurting and then a few weeks later they are just overflowing with passion for each other again. I love seeing people in love! If you would like more info you can check us out at http://www.MarriageSolutionsTulsa.com aka http://www.familyandlifesolutions.com. There is a bunch of free info on there. Congrats on your love together!!!
Thank you for what you do.
Thank you for putting it down in words. You are a gifted writer. Thank you for sharing 🙂
Thanks Cherelle. It took a lot of practice and years to be able to be an expressive writer.
Nice.
My 10th anniversary is coming up and thanks for sharing something we can relate to. This was beautifully stated.
10 years is such a milestone. David and I rarely buy gifts or celebrate big on anniversaries, but I think we will start making a bigger effort this year.
That was so beautifully said, Maria. Fall time holds a special spot in my heart too, as it is the time when my s/o and I met—we just celebrated our 3rd year (dating) anniversary. Although he and I are not married yet, we act very much as a married couple. Just recently, I realized that we have drifted apart, and with every might that we have left, we are trying hard to rekindle what we once had. Slowly, we are falling in love again. You’re right, the first step is to feel and desire it. Yes, I want it.
Great – so we will both be sad and happy at this time of year, every year! LOL
what a great read! thank you for this…so heartwarming!
This year, my husband & I celebrated our 20th Anniversary. We went to watch Fast Six as it was the first day out in theaters on our Anniversary day. Our 18 year old daughter, as well as a couple of nephews tagged along. Yes, I did say “18 years old daughter”. Aside from her growing up so fast, and with her being our only child, we focused our life on giving the best childhood that we could. Lots of sacrifices, lots of work trying to fulfill our dreams as a family. We had our ups & downs, near break-ups, loving moments & screaming fights that our whole neighborhood could probably hear. But it was amazing to see us reach that 20th year milestone still intact. And now that our daughter has graduated high school, she’s till far from standing on her own; so our next 5 years is probably going to be dedicated to helping our daughter accomplish her dreams of becoming whatever it is she wants to become. And for us as a couple, rekindling our love is not as frenzied as our first few years, but it’s genuine and nurturing. I believe we’ll make it to our Silver Anniversary. And I believe you both will, too, someday. Aloha!
Wow! I cannot wait to reach 20 years! AND beyond! I see elderly people with children in their sixties often! Thank you for your encouragement.
Make time for your diety, and you will. My wife and I (and God) made it to 25 this year…
Beautiful read. It’s so refreshing to hear of a couple in the spot light so to speak WANTING to deepen their commitment to each other. Far too often our society promotes and even idolizes unfaithfullness. You are a role model too us all. Blessings to you both!
It’s not easy and we have struggled, but we are striving (and thriving!)
Such a beautiful expression of love. When one half is not near the other half sometimes cries. Your words are a blessing. Thank you!
Wow, beautiful Maria…I have been married almost 21 years and can relate to what you wrote. It takes a lot of hard work and forgiveness that is for sure….but it is a commitment I plan to keep.
Hi Maria, lovely piece, I admire your write up and this really tear me up. You are a woman who is not only beautiful outside but also beautiful inside. with God through prayers and love you will get to that point where you were when you met your husband. The love is still there and you have all it takes to keep it going.
thanks for your write up, i am particularly inspired by the one on falling in love with a stranger. i really related to that. Still hoping and waiting for my stranger to find me and i know he will very soon. Thank you so much for been whom you are and never let negative words pull you down. They should give you the strength that you are doing a beautiful thing.
Love to your family
Maria — I was very touched by your story and I almost cried after reading it….. You and your husband are lucky and blessed to have each other and your beautiful family. Anytime you need reassurance of that, look at that wonderful engagement photo you have posted. That is definitely enough to make a true romantic like me get misty-eyed.
Maria:
I think it is awful that you are getting terrible comments from people like that…I thought it was extremely tasteful and the boyshorts are in it is jusst that most people couldn’t look as good as you….keep on keeping on gril you look wonderful with so much light and life in your eyes and what an accomplishment to have that body of yours with three kids…don’t listen to their negative comments…you see so much trash on facebook and on the television.. I do think it is just plain old jealousy and anal rententive qualities ….lead on
Maria, I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes I wish I could somehow divorce my husband after 20 yrs of marriage and make him court me again. How can we do this? I need that passion!
And having ‘divorced’ him, are you sure he’d *want* to court you (or anyone else) again? I love my wife of 23+ years but if it were all to end tmo, I won’t be doing it again. For any reason.
The way we do it; is by getting away somewhere new together. We want to redo our first road trip when we get some time, just the two of us. I know Maria and I love to dance but in the last few years, I have not been motivated. So, my plan is to take her dancing soon 🙂
You might have to be the first one to start the passion in order for him to get on the same train.
I know you can do it!
David
Make your love for your spouse SELFLESS. As if you’re working out for a competition. Don’t worry about the pain it took to get there, just do it. In time, your significant other will do the same, and then, WOW. I know, after both of us made our love for each other sacrificial, everything fell into place. And I mean everything. Since that moment eight years ago, we’re like young lovers in almost every way, except we know each other so much better…
Beautiful and touching. God bless you and your family.
Hi Maria,
Just saw an article on yahoo and found you by chance. You are an amazing woman. From reading your above story, and your short bios on the front page . You live life by the chance and by the moment, yet you do take the time to relect. Great story to share. Wish you and your family the best. You are one of the many inspiring people walking on this planet. And today, I found you by chance. Thanks for sharing great stories.
Just Surfing
Maria,
I’ve enjoyed reading your blogs. Thank you so much for sharing. Kindly disregard any negative comments other’s have posted. Most people are not dedicated enough to put in hard work to look the way they want to (myself included). It takes a lot of commitment, and you are right, it is all about ones mentality. Just remember that regardless of what we do in life, we will never make everyone happy, and it’s okay because it is not our purpose in life to keep everyone happy. That would be impossible. May the Lord continue to bless you and your beautiful family. Such a beautiful story. Thank you again for sharing.
Great & inspiring story. Being so honest about your eating disorder and seeing you now. Wow. Right? Who can have a pity party and not go out there and change their lives? I stumbled across you on the web with something trending about people hating on you because of the photo with your kids. I think its great. I think its wonderful. People have to quit being so negative! I wish you the best.
I was surfing Yahoo! and found your website. I don’t typically care for blogs and I’m glad I read through your excerpts. You’ve really inspired me (mom of just one and hoping for a second). You’re a very talented writer and I wish you and your family the best.
Yahoo featured you today. You have been getting flack from some…
Bottom line: You have your act together. Those who don’t become haters, filled with jealousy. Perhaps one day each of them will have evolved to where you have already been for a while.
Maybe they will learn from you; maybe they won’t. Whatever happens, don’t divert your energy to them; it will be wasted.
Keep doing what you are doing.
Keep being who you are.
I saw an article about you on Yahoo! and my Husband also showed me your picture and the first thing out of my mouth (seriously) was “Wow! You go girl!” and he also told me what all the uproar was about. I think what you’re doing is absolutely amazing! Keeping healthy, fit, and in excellent shape for your family is incredibly awesome! I think it’s sad that people would react so negatively but your reply was spot on, classy, and tactful. I admire what you’re doing (staying active and not buried in your iPhone or whatever, and interacting with your kids). I also read through a couple of your blogs and you sound amazingly busy (how in the world does any mother have time to watch tv) so really, it’s not at all surprising that you look the way you do. You put in the effort and this is the result. I say “WAY TO GO MAMA!” You look incredibly amazing and HOT and yeah, all I have to say is just “good for you!” I’m also a fellow mama of two and although I’m not as “buff” as you (just skinny from not getting a chance to eat as often as I’d like) I have to say, seeing you is definitely an inspiration to want to get active and healthy for myself so I can play along with my kids. Disregard all the haters. You’re doing the right thing and I think you’ve definitely earned the honor of sharing (and being proud of) your success! It’s got to take a lot of commitment and determination to do what you’re doing and all I can say is THANK YOU for showing that it is possible to accomplish what you’ve done! Especially after having THREE kids! Goodness woman! You ARE amazing!
Hang in there, 🙂 marriage have its ups and downs. You’re determined and smart. You have the body you deserve to have, you made no excuses, its the same with your relationship with your husband. Take care
What a cry baby! Geez, get a life, woman!!!
What a lovely, moving reflection on your marriage. It definitely resonated.
I stumbled on your blog after reading the yahoo article. Just wanted to thank you for showing us what can be accomplished with hard work- all the nay-sayers seem to conveniently forget all that you do to get to where you are.
Wow, I have to admit that I really reasonate with you Maria. Good to see there still are nice and passionate girls out there.
Great story! I too, met my wife online in 2009. It seemed like the most imperfect time for us to connect, I was uprooting my life and moving 4 hours away to start a new job. I had forgotten about the site that I had posted my profile on 1 year prior, until I received her message, ‘You seem like a great father!’ I always attached pics of of my daughters so women could know up front, that we come as a package deal. Once I read her message, it instantly intrigued me. Her profile had no pic, and I didn’t care, we exchange numbers, and texted for the next two months, sharing stories of our lives, and our wonderful children. We finally spoke on the phone 2 months after her first message, and met in person one week later. The initial nervousness of meeting someone new was not there, for we had already fallen in love through our messages, seeing the TRUE beauty of one another! It was challenging, me working 4 hours from her, but I came home every weekend, and picked up my daughters, and we ALL spent great family time together. Taking trips to the beach, Yosemite, and other fun family things were always on the agenda. We were engaged 5 months later, and married in December 2012. Our five combined daughters get along wonderfully, and have already graduated high school, moving on with their lives. I recently got a job in Kuwait, and she is now living with me, shadowing me as I am typing this, lol. We are soulmates, best friends, and have wonderful lifetime of memories ahead.
Re-connect with your soulmate Maria, he is there waiting. Whether it be a text from the other room (which me and my wife do sometimes just for laughs) or long walks which provide for great talks. I hope your fire gets re-kindled, because we all deserve to live happy 🙂 No more tears,
Glenn & Roxcee
This is a great story and it really hits home for me. I have been on the night shift for 11 1/2 years, still waiting to get enough seniority to go to days. Luckily, I have a very understanding wife. Though we have unconventional ways, we have always made it through the good times as well as the bad. We make it work, but we could sure use more date nights! 🙂
nice job on yahoo!
Wow, Maria, are you now super famous or what?! I stumbled upon your name on Yahoo today and all I can say is all that uproar regarding your photo is totally unnecessary. I’m a mom of two and I still struggle to get back to my old weight since my first child but I don’t think your photo mocks moms like me at all. If anything, you are an inspiration. Your bashers and haters are actually those that are most guilty of making excuses. In retrospect, a woman as gorgeous and beautiful as you can really get a lot of jealous onlookers, you know. I admire your hard work in keeping yourself fit and youthful. Never forget how many people were inspired and awed by you. It totally trumps the number of people who are against you. So, now, go and get your man back. 🙂
So I do my morning routing when I get to work than once I settle down I go on Yahoo.com. I see this news feed about “Maria Kang” uproar about “Hot Mom” on Facebook. I’m thinking to myself “oh what now”, so of course me being me, I clicked on it to read it. I saw THE PICTURE lol, said to myself, “Hold up, I seen this chick before, INSTAGRAM!” lol. (Oh which I’m following you know – TO BE INSPIRED)
You’re awesome! You are 32 and have 3 kids. If I could do it all over shoooo I would have too. I’m 28 and have a 5 year old daughter. I’m contemplating if I want to have another baby as I speak lol. There are things in life both my boyfriend and I want to achieve first. I just don’t want to wait too long to have another kid. You are lucky to have your kids to grow up together. EVEN if you decide to have another one lol 😉 So look at it this way by the time you are 45 and up, you and your husband can have the time of ya’ll life! You guys can party like you were 21 again!
The coolest comment I got from younger group of girls, “I’m the really fast girl” I play Co-ed adult league soccer. It made me feel real good ESPECIALLY I’m 28! But to my knowledge the young girls doesn’t really know my age. Although I do think I’m a lot faster now than I was years ago maybe even highschool. Lol.
So I read the article, and I thought it was awesome how you explained everything about the controversy. In America, there’s no medium. People either love you and want you to succeed or hate you and hope that you fail. But everyone has their own opinions about things, all we can do is live our life and continue to be a good person. I think everyone in this world has issues lol, we are not perfect but only God knows who is good and right.
Dear Maria,
I came across your website/blog because you trending in Yahoo.com . I read your post on Oct 8, 2013 and much of what you said I can relate. How to bring back to romance in marriage, we are very much struggling. I am wishing you the best and hope that many of us passionate people will find passion of love once again. Maybe someday.
“I just hope that the person who feels completely overwhelmed can see they can control their own destiny. To know that there’s no excuse for not making time for yourself.”
These are the words that resonate with me as I read the article on Yahoo. I also read your blog from last week and I understand how you are feeling. God Bless.
What a beautiful story. I am older now, in my 50’s, and, up until a year ago, I could not have understood what you were talking about. Three years back, I met a woman that unknowingly transformed my life into a giver and an appreciation for the things that provide nourishment for the heart. One year ago she was gone. I also missed her when we were together, as I miss her now and I believe, always. Thank you the gift of sharing the bitter sweet moment of “missing”.
Steve, such kind sweet words. “She” is never really gone. Her memory will live on and be with you forever. #blessings
I feel ya! It’s this world. The 9-5 daily grind. It never seems to end. Every day is the same. It’s like the movie “Groundhog Day”. We wish we could runaway to the mountains together with no worries and no need of money. This world has created a institute of slavery. I for one, want out! The simple life is long forgotten.
I’m not a mother, I’m not married and I’m not in a relationship. I’m a young woman who is very, well just a bit, obsessed with fitness. i have a dream of having sons when I’m married, and to be a good example to them and to be able to play with them. This is very inspiring. Thank you. Be blessed.
I’m a newbie to your site. I was inspired to check it out after seeing the picture of you and your boys floating around Facebook. I was inspired by your picture and the hard work I know it took to get there. In regards to this post, if you don’t mind, I would like to offer you a little advice 🙂 Just a few things about myself…I am an almost 39yr old stay-at-home/home-schooling mom to 10 and almost 8yr old girls. My husband is a law enforcement officer, an officer in the Coast Guard Reserves, and a volunteer EMT. Now for my (I hope gentle and well intentioned) advice:
My husband and I recently celebrated 17yrs of marriage. As you so accurately say…things change, people change. And boy have we, and they! We have experienced nearly 5yrs of life in Europe when he was active duty military, we have both earned 4yr degrees online, we have adjusted to life on one income, we have adjust to life with children. He has had different jobs that took us different places with so many life experiences. We have had our share of trials, our share of “is-it-worth-it” moments. But we also have countless wonderful memories I look b