May 24, 2006
There are those in life who live each day in both the regrets and rewards of the past – and then there are those who live each day in the dreams of their future.
My eternal hope is to live each day, right ‘now’ and know that consciously living in this moment in time makes this moment. Mine.
While I’ve achieved what others would consider some success my greatest success, the only true success I’ve ever achieved was finding a reason to exist.
In past entries I’ve ‘hinted’ at certain adversities I’ve faced in trying to achieve a level of sustained happiness but I never admitted to what I faced exactly because of guilt, pain and most of all, shame.
I am a recovering Bulimic.
For years I suffered from an intimate disease that mentally, physically and spiritually drained me. It was a robotic even programmed act I performed 6-10 times a week for years. You lose yourself, you lose your ‘conscious’ self – for everything I was, and everything I ever stood for, no longer represented ‘me’ at that moment in time.
I honestly lost myself. I couldn’t hold down the tiniest morsel of food – I just wanted it ‘out’ of me because I felt so ’empty’ – it’s this moment of truth when you realize that it doesn’t matter what you own, what you do, or what you look like, you could still ‘feel’ like you have nothing at all.
I am crying right now because I know how hard it is to look towards the future and be positive to be in the present, and try not to let the shame of your past define you.
Today I value every small and big gift each day presents because I know how it feels like to die slowly –
Whenever you become passive and allow the world to define you – when you measure your personal value in the physical realm you start to die. Living by made-up, human rules is no way to live. At that point, you don’t own you… negative ideas and fake images influences and direct your decisions, your actions and your worth and therefore, ‘it’ owns you. and you eventually become ‘lost’.
I didn’t recover through a specialized program, or through family support – I didn’t continue my patterns in life that led me to that conclusion. I prayed. I prayed. And I prayed. And when my stomach was swollen and my eyes were blood shot. I prayed some more.
I am sharing this today because I feel impelled to stop hiding and accept my past mistakes, my present awareness and my future rewards. Reflecting, writing and re-visiting this wound helps me, and I know somewhere out there it helps someone else too. For it doesn’t matter who you are pain does not discriminate.
I always say, that in order to grow you must be challenged. I was presented a battle and I am a stronger person today because I was Bulimic. For anyone who is going through any life challenge, know that you are stronger each morning when you choose to get up, move forward from your past and actively live in the ‘present’ of a new day.