Anything than can break someone, tried to break me the last three years. My mother died. My brother died. I broke my arm. I underwent divorce. I was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. My son endured school district issues. I battled healthcare coverage and treatment options. I watched cancer colleagues fight for their lives only to die after following western and eastern medical protocols. I was lonely and scared.

I vividly remember a physician remarking at the end of our appointment, “I hope you do what we think is best for you.” I enjoyed our visit and looked at him confusingly and replied, “Thank you, I don’t know why people would question why I wouldn’t do what is best for me?”

And that…is the question that has stumped me since being diagnosed. As the person experiencing a serious life or death situation, wouldn’t I instinctively know what is best for me? Certainly, my mama bear instincts to pursue life, protection and preservation would surface. Even while down, weak or injured, my warrior within always has a second wind to fight.  I knew my spirit would do whatever was required for me to stay alive. I was willing to combat, starve and obliterate the cancer. I was willing to look at every monster in my closet, expose every childhood wound and remove every energy that did not feel like love in my world. The battle began and I was ready to bring it.

Everyone knows I’m not one to forfeit a fight. Everything prepares you for a significant moment in time, and I knew the time was now.

We all rode at dawn.

For months, my family stayed on the sidelines, some friends drifted away, others pulled up beside me. People provided food for my sons, sustenance for my body, support when I was unwell and prayers when I greatly needed it. It was not an easy ride. I went on an Ayahuasca retreat two weeks after my diagnosis. A month later while visiting cancer centers in Mexico, I experienced biomagnetism therapy and identified when my digestion shifted in my youth. For months after, I began weekly IV treatments, juicing, parasite cleansing, hyperbaric chambers, PEMF, EES/vibration and HOCATT therapy, lymphatic drainage, meditations and grounding. I drank soursop tea and ate sea moss. I injected holistic medicine from a doctor in Germany, ingested supplements from Asia and consumed apricot seeds for B12 benefits. I went to an advanced meditation retreat, engaged in weekly remote healings, began seeing two counselors and started Ketamine therapy.

I gave myself 12 weeks to find a medical team I trusted. When the tumor failed to shrink and every 2^nd and 3^rd opinion came back as inoperable, I submitted to six rounds of chemo. The night before my first chemo infusion I was anxious and angry. My oncology nurse failed to send a chemo plan, prescription directions or material to prepare me. I sat in front of my fireplace with journal in hand and began transmuting my grievances to gratitude for my Team. I began with my primary physician, surgeon and oncologist. I then wrote down instrumental people who were colleagues in disease, supporters, healers and guides. I felt gratitude for a section of people in my life who were positive forces but needed to reconcile significant people who represented negative forces.

This is when the alchemy began.

I listed people who betrayed, abandoned, judged and hurt me when I needed them the most. I felt their vibration and knew that in order for me to give early gratitude for my healing – every single thing, even the very worst of things, must be given appreciation. I saw their antagonistic role in my journey and internally thanked them for being catalysts in my life.

When I released judgment and received their essential role in my awakening, awareness and overall healing, I could feel the cells in my body oscillate as it mutated toxic atoms within me. My energy transformed in that moment, I felt my body and soul healing.

Today – as I sit in recovery, remission and reflection of that very difficult time, I am still grateful. When you feel lost, you must stand still and meditate. Connect to your body, feel your heart and begin daily conversations with God. As you start becoming aware of your thoughts, you can start controlling your unconscious patterns and therefore produce intentional results. As you start to trust your greatest strength – your intuition – and express through faith in action, you begin mastering your universe.  

Had I not been left alone during my cancer journey; I would have been persuaded by energies that were not my own. I wouldn’t be able to hear my innate voice because it would be clouded by fear, guilt and frustration from people whose proximity to me influenced my behavior. Many friends and family were scared and directed by fear, so they clung onto any measurable hope and expressed anger when I wasn’t aligned with their process, which is really their harmful way of loving – through control.  

The most loving thing to do when one is in a low vibrational state, is to walk away. Let them live in their own energy so they can rescue themselves. Maturity is realizing you weren’t abandoned, you were saved.

This was not a controllable situation. There is no correct path. Everyone’s walk in life will look uniquely different. I didn’t want to be alone, but I needed to be alone. There are journeys in life we are assigned to walk alone….and this was mine.

It was just me and God. I stopped my natural programming to ‘hustle to heal’ and forcing outcomes. Meditation became my medicine as I sat in stillness and received spiritual guidance, for hours. I began trusting myself and therefore trusting my decisions as I navigated my cancer journey. I connected to my body again and strongly felt how emotions of joy, desire, depression, sadness, love, anger, happiness, anxiety and frustration filtered and affected my biology. I finally remembered and claimed my own energy and therefore could identify others and protect my boundaries and body, better.

When I heard ‘cut it out’ during my Ayahuasca ceremony and was given intuitive guidance my tumor greatly decreased, I stopped all chemo treatments and requested my trusted surgeon to make the call – and she did. After I was told my tumor was inoperable, it shrunk by nearly half when they rescanned me a few weeks later. I didn’t just heal and cleanse my internal world; I became assertive and trusted my actions in my external world too.

I broke out of character. I didn’t follow the roles assigned to me and shattered societal rules; lies that were masked as truths. I took risks. I stepped out of my cage. I was wildly passionate and patiently in pain. I danced with my shadow and rediscovered my light. I developed my power through trust, obedience and faith in God. I listened to my soul’s calling and released energies that blocked my highest good.

I released. When you release, you create room to receive.

When you let go, you Let God. When you let God, you Surrender to the path you were destined to design through your heart’s intention. We will all be delivered in the end.

And, I’m here for it.