“I don’t want to hate this person.” I cried to Brian on a random Tuesday. The day was like any day. I woke early to drop my son to a volunteer program, worked out, went to facilities, assisted a resident at her appointment, ran errands, dropped by a shooting range (where Brian and the boys were) and was scheduled to do an IV treatment followed by dinner with friends. It should’ve flowed productively as my abundant days usually do…with lots of troubleshooting, focus, determination and tenacity.

But that day it didn’t.

While driving one of my favorite residents to a dental appointment she asked me if I’ve been dating anyone. I gave the usual no, after all, when could I date? It’s been nearly two years since my marital separation and besides a few dinners, nothing romantic was ever exchanged. I reminded her I was a business owner, a single mother of three busy boys and was also undergoing daily treatments for health challenges. She responded, “With all you’re going through, I’m sure it would be nice to have someone hold you at night.” Keep in mind, I adore the elderly as I do children (and myself!) – they say what they think and see without bad intent. As I drove her back I realized a question that normally didn’t irritate me, was irritating me.

When I walked into the shooting range, the gun powder coupled with the heat made me nauseous.  I’ve shot before but have never been comfortable holding or shooting a gun. I was grateful my longtime friend Brian was present to engage with the boys and show them another aspect of growth and maturity: how to control something powerful, that could hurt another human. I felt the same power when I had to learn how to drive. After an hour and unexpected headache, I told them I would see them at home, anticipating a quiet power nap before my next commitment.

Back at home however, emotions started to bubble within. When I closed my eyes, I saw my google calendar, daily commitments, work tasks and treatments circulate my mind. I was tired before I was even tired. I started feeling angry. I asked myself,

“Why am I nonstop busy? Why did I volunteer two weeks ago to drive 18hrs on ‘vacation’ when I should be resting? Why am I not asking for more help? When I do ask, why does it feel like I’m begging? Do people realize I have cancer? Why did I invite people over for dinner? Damn. I always make things fit, even if it doesn’t fit me. It’s the, ‘you can do everything, Maria’ approach. But that’s not me right now. Today I am, ‘I-don’t-want-to-do-anything-at-all-Maria.’ I don’t want to do any more treatments or ingest any more supplements. I don’t want to go on a big family cruise leaving in a week. While I have a comfortable new car, I don’t want to drive to another soccer practice – and why do they still practice in 110 degrees?!!! I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to see anyone. I just want to lay here and REST as I should’ve been doing the first day I was diagnosed.”

When Brian walked through the door, it felt like a dam broke and I began to cry like a child. In the safety of his presence and the stillness of that moment, I expressed daily exhaustion, quiet fear and intense sadness. I began spewing every small, insignificant thing that annoyed me, from a barking dog to the pain in my body.

The pain in my body……….

I began to cry more. I realized it’s not insignificant and it’s not pain, it’s Cancer. I can still hear my friend Isabel at my IV treatment loudly saying, “Your tumor wants you to FEEL IT. Acknowledge it!”   

Here I was, still emotionally sitting in the same stressful, distracted and sad environment that created the cancer. I could now physically feel it. I began releasing stress, starting with the loss of my mother and brother. It wasn’t the cause of their early deaths that angered me, it was knowing that whatever killed them emotionally, was also killing me. I started naming off people I loved who hurt me. How betrayed I felt from a close friend. How unheard I felt in my marriage. How abandoned I felt by someone I trusted…

“Let it out,’ Brian encouraged. “It’s ok to hate them.”

I looked at him and tearfully said, “I wish I could hate them. But I can’t. I’ve always seen the good in every person. Even when I try, I can’t.” Instinctively, I felt like I was losing myself when I let hate in my heart. My dad once told me one of my greatest gifts was my ability to Forgive. I let go of what someone did, even if they did it repeatedly. But this time, I started leaning into pain. I was tired of feeling hurt. I was angry. I knew my nature was shifting and if it continued to dwell in me, my heart will start to close, and my body will continue its decline.

You could live without a brain, but you can’t live without a heart.

My heart’s rhythm has guided me, broke me, filled me, encouraged me and liberated me my whole life. My true strength is keeping it open, when it feels like the world wants to hurt it, so I can guard it – and therefore protect it. The problem with protecting your heart, is just like chemotherapy; it doesn’t discriminate. Chemo will obliterate both the good and bad cells in your body just as your guarded heart will protect you from all energy, whether it’s good or bad. In order to live, you must keep your heart and cells alive by internal will, distinguishing positive and negative molecules and trusting the divinity of your body.

Every thing…your body, a weapon or a car on the street is just a ‘thing’ until someone operates it. There’s an energy that’s moving these instruments and when you consciously connect to that power, you realize the power is not in the machine, the power is in you.

Trust your power, learn your strengths/weaknesses and use it to serve others. Exist boldly, courageously and passionately trusting that you create what you see and feel in this world. Trust that every person, including the ones that hurt you, are here to challenge and change you. Trust every action you take is the right choice – after all, no one has the true answer. Trust that when you hate someone, they are revealing a vulnerability in you, esp the part that knows blaming others is dis-empowering. So Play. Let go. Love and Trust the path knowing when you found what you seek, you will know when you have arrived.

One day soon, when I feel happiness, I will remember my sadness on a ‘random Tuesday’. When I feel freedom, I will remember my pain when feeling caged by a disease inside me. When I am lovingly held at night, I will remember when I had more leg room – jk! I will completely know one feeling because I experienced the opposite intensity of the other feeling.

Keep your heart open. That’s what that older lady taught me, when she asked well intended questions that sparked new desire in me. When we retreat, hate wins. When we arrive, Love Wins.

I have Arrived.