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Finding my Joy.

February 8, 2024

A couple weeks after the cancer diagnosis, I was on a plane to Costa Rica for an Ayahuasca journey I scheduled months beforehand. Originally, I booked this trip to support a friend and felt called to sit with this South America psychoactive brew, a plant medicine indigenous cultures historically used for spiritual ceremonies. Many were (and weren’t) surprised I was committed to attending despite the recent upheavals in my world. I had a divine date after all, me and Mr.…

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I have Cancer.

November 15, 2023

Last Friday I woke up at 4am to a gnawing pain in my lower abdomen. I’ve underwent a lot of tummy pain recently and just had a colonoscopy for low iron and internal bleeding. A week prior I complained of pain to my sister – who is also a nurse – and she frustratingly asked, “What would it take for you to finally go to the ER?” I stubbornly responded, “if I could no longer breathe.” As I laid in…

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A New Chapter.

May 11, 2023

I remember sitting across from my mother and her friend at lunch exactly seven years ago in a state of bliss. Despite what had erupted the past year in my marriage, I had a deep seeded knowing that I was supposed to persevere. I recall them looking at me in awe and a little annoyance, as my glossy eyes and confident energy exclaimed that while David and I were undergoing an extremely dark period, our life chapter wasn’t over, yet.…

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Surrendering to my path.

November 28, 2022

In all my years posting online, you’ve never seen me post about a birthday celebration Most of my life I’ve always been pensive, melancholy and seeking solitude on my birthday. The question “Why am I here?” has plagued me since I was 4. There must be more than working, marrying, having kids, buying a house, retiring, traveling and dying. It can’t just be about social media posts, soccer games, buying annual holiday presents and seeking our next achievement – whatever…

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My Mirror’s Reflection…

August 17, 2022

Late May, after a deep and emotional conversation – I noticed the skin around my lips become uncomfortably dry. As I prepped for my stepdaughter’s birthday, I would press a napkin against my lips to soothe the skin as it began to weep. Months passed and despite using different ointments, antibiotics and balms, nothing cured the cycle of it cracking, peeling, weeping and sometimes bleeding. Besides a couple incidents when I had minor body hives from stress, I had never…

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Getting Lost.

July 22, 2022

He asked me how I felt. I don’t feel anything. I don’t feel happy nor sad. I’m pensive, but also not thinking of anything at all. I just exist throughout my day without attention, stimulation or sensation. It’s the strangest feeling to not feel anything at all. The last few months have been filled with work, friends, travel, a yoga retreat, concerts and events. There’s not much ‘down time’ generally in my world – but there is a difference between…

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Becoming “Maria”

July 4, 2022

Late last year I did something very “Maria”…. I picked up the phone and called David’s ex wife. After nearly 15yrs watching them battle it out (and being told to stay out of it) – I knew it was time to get into the ring. I knew everyone was tired and traumatized by this connection. I knew we all wanted to grow, but was caged in the past. Most of all, I knew LOVE was needed to guide and heal…

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Following my heart.

May 30, 2022

Months ago I sat in my office midday, feeling despair, disconnection and division after (another) explosive argument with my husband. In my grief, I took out a piece of paper and wrote two letters. With my head on the desk and a puddle of tears beneath my cheeks, I wrote one letter to my deceased mother. I told her how much I missed her and needed her in that moment as I asked for guidance, support and faith. The second…

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My Spiritual Journey

April 9, 2022

If you were to read my earliest blogs, it’s astounding how so little has changed. When I began this website, I was 25, single and living in San Francisco. In 2005 the world had yet to experience the black hole of social media, controversial viral posts and distracting 15-sec dance videos. I was writing my way through this world, seeking to connect and tell my story because I felt so many was defining mine up to that point. 17 years…

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Seeing the gaps.

March 17, 2022

March 16, 2022 I’ve been seeking small pauses in my life. They aren’t big, normally they last for one second – but it’s the moment when you realize you are in transition, aware or in auto drive. I will give you some examples… When I fall asleep at night, or while I am dreaming, I am aware when my consciousness shifts and there is an energetic wave enveloping my body and brain preparing it to go into a deeper slumber.…

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