Weeks following my last doctor’s appointment, I underwent deep, emotional, debilitating pain that traveled throughout my head, heart and body. As much as I tried to combat the emotions filtering through me, I could no longer control the weather of my internal world. It felt like thunderstorms rained down on my hopes, earthquakes were splitting my confidence, tornadoes were chaotically lifting my stability and fire was burning down whatever was left of my ego.

I began drowning in my disease.

For the first time, death felt more imminent. I never considered the possibility even though IT has walked beside me throughout this entire cancer journey. I was scared, hurt and incredibly lost. Up until this moment, I’ve been tip toeing the line between Gods will and my own Free will. I submitted to whatever I couldn’t control while actively pursuing anything that kept me alive. I was ‘hustling to heal’, after all, that type of forcible action has usually moved mountains in my life.

But, it wasn’t moving this mountain.

I had no more strength. I was already tired prior to the diagnosis. My gas tank was running on empty, literally, as my iron levels were dangerously low. It was shocking considering I was a busy mother and business owner, who put out daily fires, dug new paths and watered everyone around me – but me. The world looked ok, but only because I sacrificed so much of myself to make it ok.

The truth was, I was not ok. I haven’t been ok for a very long time.

It started when I began taking responsibility for my parent’s household at a young age. As I have a 12yr old now, I couldn’t imagine him getting up every morning at 4:50am to take care of me, iron my clothes, prepare my daily meals, clean the house and walk the dog all before he went to school in 7^th grade. Yet, I did that when I was 12 for my mother for years. I continued this insane passion, pressure and purpose to change the world around me for decades to come. Whenever I experienced chaos, challenges and hardship, I was very successful at compartmentalizing, assigning tasks and forcing outcomes.

I couldn’t force this outcome. The pain in my soul was invading every part of my body. After the conversation with my surgeon, coupled with bleak second opinions and another challenging conversation with my father about faith, I was emotionally spent. I couldn’t, didn’t know and wasn’t sure how I could protect myself from the barrage of anger, sadness, resentment and loss I was perpetually feeling. Whatever worked in the past was no longer working. I was in pain and there seemed to be no end to it.

I remember distinctly laying in bed after dropping the boys to school a few weeks ago. I had a fever and was shivering. My tumor was throbbing, which paralyzed me as I laid painfully in a fetal position for hours. I was desperately thirsty. I needed water. I could tell my cells were screaming for hydration. But the pain was too great to move.

At some point I remembered I had juice in the fridge. Keep in mind, it’s not common to have soda or juice randomly sitting in my house. I purchased this drink days prior as it was infused with vitamins but was surprisingly very sweet. As I laid there dehydrated, wanting to move but lacking the will to get up and move past the pain, I began thinking about quenching my thirst with a tall glass of sweet juice with ice. My mouth started to salivate. I was grateful there was another option as plain water was not motivating me to simply walk downstairs. In that new desire for cold juice, something shifted, and I was able to get up.

That evening my father and littlest sister came to visit. They found me laying outside, trying to catch heat from the sun yet burning still, from the inside with my body’s temp reaching 103 degrees. It’s interesting to be cold, yet hot at the same time.

She held me as I cried. In that moment I realized I haven’t felt the touch of my sister’s hands since we were little girls. When I created the divide as a young authoritative child operating a household, I lost the innocence, playfulness and freedom that existed between us. We’ve been adversaries for years and even in the worst of my sickness, the sickness inside my head told me that a lot of people who loved me would prefer I didn’t exist. That belief was killing me.

It was the belief I didn’t matter. That this existence was a quick trip to earth and I was already in the car seat with my seat belt on wanting to leave, for a very long time. Yes, I’ve had fun. I won several beauty and fitness pageants, was on the cover of magazines, published a book, participated in a reality TV show, owned several businesses, created a worldwide nonprofit, produced a product that became a TV infomercial, birthed 3 healthy boys, traveled the world and even filmed four episodes of Family Feud. I thought I was done living. In fact, I was over, living.

But as my world came crashing down…when I underwent divorce, experienced painful breakups with people I loved, broke my arm, grieved my older brother’s death while still recovering from my mother’s early departure, I lost so much of my will to carry on. For years I created a world that protected my pain, validated my insecurities and distracted me from dealing with my deepest knowing…

I was living life, but it wasn’t a life I truly wanted.

And then I felt it. I felt the prayers strangers sent me daily. I finally acknowledged the fear in the eyes of people who loved me. I heard answers as I sat in stillness day after day, doing nothing but just being. I understood God places things in your path and your Free Will is choosing how you define that experience. Like the sweet juice that moved me to walk downstairs, I now only move if something brings me Joy. If I eat something like chocolate – and it brings me joy, if it makes me happy, my cells will be happy. I’m no longer trying to force unhappy things out of my world, I’m learning to allow happy things to now enter it. I am co-existing with the duality that exists in all things. This acceptance and realization have set me free.

After experiencing a complete destruction of my world, the storms in my soul settled and in the stillness of that wake, I found my foundation again. Now, I rebuild from a place rooted in love for myself. I’m designing a life that I consciously want to live. In the process of unbecoming what created the cancer, I am becoming who I was meant to Be.

This is what Cancer taught me.