Where is God?

June 6, 2024

June 6, 2024

Every day I exist in quiet solitude. I am surrounded by family, friends and continuous games, gatherings, treatments, work, and get togethers but at the core of all this busy-ness…is me, standing in the midst of it all, just watching it all pass by.

Many days I wake up with weeping eczema throughout my face. Some days my back hurts and I have to run to the bathroom even though, nothing – literally – is really expelling as I’ve had a colostomy bag since my emergency surgery in March. Most recently, I’ve been undergoing intense episodes where an aura moves across my head and my heart starts to palpitate fast. Soon after, I start violently purging for hours until my whole body is fatigued and exhausted. During this period, I can’t talk or even text, I wake at the 5th hour feeling normal again. This has happened every other day for a few weeks – with a small break because I was fasting,

I went to the ER; they found all scans and blood work – normal.

Tonight, when I felt the aura and nausea hit, I can hear my voice as my body prepared to release again into a bowl before me and I said, ‘thank you for removing what is toxic within me.’ There is something my body is rejecting, clearing space for and healing. Instead of hating my irritated skin, for example, I know its inflammation being released through my pores. Pain is a warning sign, but also a process saying that your body is repairing itself.

Good. My body is doing its job.

I’ve been listening to my body more than I have in years. I rest, I walk, I lay in the sun, I eat crispy apples, I drink a lot of water, I dance. When my first vomiting episode happened weeks ago, my cousin was in town visiting. He humbly witnessed me fall as I was weak and missed my footing on the stairs at home – that moment btw, was hard to have someone witness. While I cooked dinner, I was too sick to eat with him and my father, who I also invited that evening.  When he stopped to say goodbye in my bedroom, I knew our energies would alchemize a healing within as I enjoyed our conversations. As we began talking, I can sense my internal fire revving up as we reflected on our past, the loss of his mother and father, joining the Navy, repeated life cycles, his favorite memory of my brother, Dominic – and all the dreams that lie ahead.

At a poignant moment, I asked him during his more tumultuous years, “Where was God in those times?”

I’ve had a continuous conversation with God since I was little. Sometimes I feel protection, love and security, other times I feel sadness, fear and isolation. Any question I’ve asked, has been answered. Any goal I desired, has been completed. If things didn’t manifest, I have a strong knowing that it didn’t come into fruition for divine reasons, and I surrender to what I can’t control.

Which leads me to today…

I am not the same person who was diagnosed eight months ago. When being told you have Stage IV cancer, it’s not something you process in one day. You notice everything. You see everything. You feel everything. So much that mattered before, doesn’t matter now. All the worldly ambitions, societal expectations and keeping up with whatever – means nothing.

I’ve asked ‘what is the meaning of life” almost every day since I was a child and when being told you have limited life left, every day has been a journey of what brings me life, who gives me life and most importantly, WHY do I want to keep living this life?

My will to live has been challenged.

I visited a friend who is incarcerated at San Quentin prison recently. He was a high school acquaintance and a person I often laughingly interacted with at the gym. When I discovered he had some challenges years ago, I told his brother to tell him to call me. He’s been calling me collect ever since and laughingly lived through me as I chatted with him while bike racing in Vegas, a cruise in Germany, working in New York, dining in D.C. trekking around Malaysia or partying in Portugal. In one of our emails he told me he’s never seen prison as a ‘gift’ but in our exchanges he is realizing that this pain made him sit with his thoughts, reflect on his actions, notice the generational patterns and take real responsibility for his life. He is physically caged, but through meditation, prayer, gratitude and rewiring thought processes, he is freer than people who exist in jobs they hate, marriages without connection and a life on monotonous repeat.

Like the experience of being diagnosed with cancer or even waking up each day, as you step off that bus, he said, “You choose what kind of sentence you will have.” That emotion will attract what comes next.

I have choices. I could be upset my colostomy bag burst in a restaurant the other week, or I pulled over four times to vomit while driving myself to the ER (only to wait there for 5hrs to be seen). I can be irritated that despite all my preventative efforts, I was diagnosed with cancer and am experiencing the hardest journey of my life without my mother or a husband.

And as I lay on this invisible battlefield, sometimes feeling strong, most of the time not knowing where I am, I also ask myself, Where is God?

God is in me, expressing itself through the love I give through this vessel, my body, which has been a source of comfort, forgiveness, grace, kindness and encouragement to people I love. I’m not perfect and see how this vessel has also been a source of judgment, criticism, annoyance and frustration….to people I love.

I have free will to choose what I express and therefore, manifest.

What is your will? How much do you have in you to endure, experience and overcome? Free Will is your power. And the most powerful act, is Love. In the end – all we want is Love. All we want is to love ourselves, BE ourselves and be accepted as ourselves.

Where is God? God is where Love is. Where there is Love, there is no Fear…

With my cousin and aunt Maria!
Happy Promotion day to my middle man!

6 Comments

  • Reply Nina June 6, 2024 at 9:16 am

    Hi Maria😊,
    It’s another miraculous day to be alive✨🪷. We don’t know each other personally, but your name came up in a conversation, and I became curious about you. I don’t believe in coincidences, and all I can say is WOW! I can feel your unconditional love, kindness, compassion, courage, resilence through your words. Your story deeply touched and resonated with me; there were many moments where I thought, “That’s me.”
    Thank you for sharing your beautiful story with the world. Your journey is helping many people heal in ways they never thought possible, including myself thank you🙏🏼
    Like you, I’ve experienced many divine storms and I know there’s a reason I’m still here. I wanted to share about Dr. Sandra Rose Michael’s invention, the Energy Enhancement System, which she developed over 20 years ago. It creates an optimal environment for the body to heal itself in all aspects: physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, etc. I’m on healing journey as well and this technology is one of the tools that’s helping me. You can learn more about her, her invention, and scientific research on her website. I highly recommend watching her interview with Jason Shurka on the homepage:
    https://eesystem.com/
    please know that God has a great plan for you and God is always with you🙏🏼🥰. If it‘s in God’s plan, our paths will cross one day. Enjoy the rest of your beautiful and magical day✨🪷. You and your loved ones are in my prayers🙏🏼 Sending you lots of love and light✨.
    With all my love and deepest gratitude,
    Nina😊

  • Reply Mike and Samantha June 6, 2024 at 10:32 am

    Hoping a full recovery for you. Keep up the fight.. Be positive!

  • Reply 13 June 6, 2024 at 4:44 pm

    Hello, please look into no carbs and no sugar….as in the keto or carnivore diet. There is plenty of info on YT. For the eczema, please read about salicylates and oxalates in vegetables. Also plenty of info on YT.

    https://youtu.be/KbueVwsGjtI?si=se9fUFOvrWKaZQ-e

    https://youtu.be/HGl9e7tmkw8?si=lYFDKflKvswQA6bC

  • Reply Lorena June 7, 2024 at 11:48 pm

    Thank you for sharing this journey that in some way has shaken me and has left a great teaching, God uses us in a thousand ways to reach others, 8 years ago I met your community in Fort Meade, there I started exercising and running again, Thanks to this beautiful community and you with this great slogan “No Excusa Mom” you changed the way I see myself physically; Now reading this letter, I confirm with you that God is in every cell of our body, he has always been here, in every step we take, he has never left us, rather we sometimes forget him because of our routine etc… you know You have touched every fiber of my being, thank you for your teachings, this letter has deeply touched my heart, I will begin to not complain about such simple things and to give the best version of myself.
    Maria, you have always been and will continue to be a source of inspiration! You are not alone in this process, you have God and an army of angels who will camp around you, praying for healing, sending my love, hugs and blessings to the whole family! We love 💕 💐😘

  • Reply Marie Soto June 8, 2024 at 8:07 am

    ❤️ you Maria! You have always been an inspiration…even more so now! Your strength and love for God is beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

  • Reply Leah Allbee June 11, 2024 at 8:27 am

    This post made me cry. I too have always prayed to God and wonder what the purpose of life is – to me, the purpose is to live life. That’s it. Live your life. It makes me sad to think that you are fighting vomiting now with this cancer battle. I had hard pregnancies where I would vomit every single day, a few times every day. I drank peppermint tea, red raspberry tea, and ginger tea. There’s not much that can be done about nausea and vomiting, but maybe try taking a good probiotic at night. I’m sorry your mom is not there to support you. Keep leaning in to your dad and your sisters. I think they’re a good source of encouragement, although not the same as a mom. My mom is very tough and doesn’t extend much compassion to me. I usually draw strength from inside. This too shall pass. Keep saying that, “I will be okay. I will heal. This too will pass.” I have a few worship songs to recommend: Firm Foundation by Cody Carnes, Holy Forever by Chris Tomlin, Here Again by Elevation Worship, With Every Breath by Leigh Nash, Battle Belongs by Phil Wickham. I listen to these songs for encouragement and sing too. Sending you all of my best wishes from New Jersey. Leah

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