June 10, 2024 A part of my healing process is asking myself daily, “Why do I want to live?” It wasn’t enough to recite normal answers…my kids, my family, blah, blah blah. Yes. I really felt that way sometimes. Truth was, a lot of my relationships felt tiring. Most of my world centered around serving people. I felt trapped in an unending cycle of fatigue and temporary happiness. As I submitted to a favorite verse in The Lord’s Prayer, “thy…
I am not the same person who was diagnosed eight months ago. When being told you have Stage IV cancer, it’s not something you process in one day. You notice everything. You see everything. You feel everything. So much that mattered before, doesn’t matter now. All the worldly ambitions, societal expectations and keeping up with whatever - means nothing.
I’ve asked ‘what is the meaning of life” almost every day since I was a…
Our divorce was finalized a year ago on May 1, 2023. Exactly one year prior, David “coincidentally” wrote me a letter on 5/1/22 that forever changed our lives. We had been struggling with connection for some time. Our communication left us bitter. Our goals weren’t aligning. Our resentments were building. I was trapped by my unwillingness to “fail.” I believed we should “stay together for the kids.” I was resistant to change, even though growth is happening every second of…
March 16, 2024 “You need to fight, Maria,” said my girlfriend tearfully as she took tea bags and snacks out of her purse. I told her I was ok, but she insisted on visiting me. It was Friday and I was in bed at 3pm. My stomach was in knots and there were fears of obstruction. I had found out days prior my brother passed away and similarly to my mother’s death just a little over two years prior –…
A couple weeks after the cancer diagnosis, I was on a plane to Costa Rica for an Ayahuasca journey I scheduled months beforehand. Originally, I booked this trip to support a friend and felt called to sit with this South America psychoactive brew, a plant medicine indigenous cultures historically used for spiritual ceremonies. Many were (and weren’t) surprised I was committed to attending despite the recent upheavals in my world. I had a divine date after all, me and Mr.…
Last Friday I woke up at 4am to a gnawing pain in my lower abdomen. I’ve underwent a lot of tummy pain recently and just had a colonoscopy for low iron and internal bleeding. A week prior I complained of pain to my sister – who is also a nurse – and she frustratingly asked, “What would it take for you to finally go to the ER?” I stubbornly responded, “if I could no longer breathe.” As I laid in…
I remember sitting across from my mother and her friend at lunch exactly seven years ago in a state of bliss. Despite what had erupted the past year in my marriage, I had a deep seeded knowing that I was supposed to persevere. I recall them looking at me in awe and a little annoyance, as my glossy eyes and confident energy exclaimed that while David and I were undergoing an extremely dark period, our life chapter wasn’t over, yet.…
February 15, 2023 In the last several years practicing meditation, I learned how to still my mind. In that silence, I started to observe patterns in me and around me. I noticed repetitive words. I heard messages in people’s silence. I witnessed actions – consistency, contradictions and how we cared and uncared for things around us. I saw the monotonous existence I played daily…how we either live robotically reacting to the world or consciously acting with intention and purpose. I…
In all my years posting online, you’ve never seen me post about a birthday celebration Most of my life I’ve always been pensive, melancholy and seeking solitude on my birthday. The question “Why am I here?” has plagued me since I was 4. There must be more than working, marrying, having kids, buying a house, retiring, traveling and dying. It can’t just be about social media posts, soccer games, buying annual holiday presents and seeking our next achievement – whatever…
Late May, after a deep and emotional conversation – I noticed the skin around my lips become uncomfortably dry. As I prepped for my stepdaughter’s birthday, I would press a napkin against my lips to soothe the skin as it began to weep. Months passed and despite using different ointments, antibiotics and balms, nothing cured the cycle of it cracking, peeling, weeping and sometimes bleeding. Besides a couple incidents when I had minor body hives from stress, I had never…