I remember sitting across from my mother and her friend at lunch exactly seven years ago in a state of bliss. Despite what had erupted the past year in my marriage, I had a deep seeded knowing that I was supposed to persevere. I recall them looking at me in awe and a little annoyance, as my glossy eyes and confident energy exclaimed that while David and I were undergoing an extremely dark period, our life chapter wasn’t over, yet.
I could feel this calling in my soul and sensed my commitment to keep going, in my being. I began investing in leadership summits and expanding our personal network. Through my devotion towards personal growth, we ventured into plant medicine, attended meditation retreats and became certified in Breathwork. In these last years, with the kids older and my mother-in-law in town, I planned international trips again, throughout Europe, Mexico, Czech Republic and Croatia.
I began voraciously reading spiritual literature and practiced meditation weekly. As I peeled each protective layer of my essence, I started to surprisingly unpack a series of traumatic emotions I felt as a child and therefore developed coping mechanisms for. I became a witness to my internal wiring and external programming. I saw how much I people pleased and was addicted to distractions and awards like a drug. I saw my young role as a responsible caretaker and how I unconsciously continued seeking people to care for in my adulthood. I saw my fear of being alone.
When my mother died, something in my soul permanently shifted.
I knew how important it was to live one’s truth and let love – not fear – be the guiding light. I knew that negative emotions of shame, guilt, depression and stress, would manifest in diseases if not processed properly. I knew that life was short, but also incredibly long and painful, if it wasn’t the life you truly wanted to live. I also knew that after years of striving – there was a deep acceptance and unquestionable knowing, that my marriage was over.
I battled this truth, naturally.
I tried, then tried again. Then tried again. If there was a resiliency award, I could win it. But, there I was again…trying to win at something that I was obviously losing myself in. So I began listening to the whispers in my meditations, started analyzing the metaphors in my dreams and evoking love as I emptied room in my heart. As I radically awakened, I drew new boundaries. I started saying no. I requested space. I spoke my truths without apology.
Seven years ago, when my husband and I separated, I reacted out of anger, ego and resentment. Today, we are consciously acting out of love, honor and respect for the life we’ve built, the children we raised and the sacred contract we fulfilled.
I’ve always believed that if you love someone, you let them go. There’s an ethereal energy that comes with true love and it has nothing to do with taking ownership, establishing control and invading set boundaries. It is not something rationalized in one’s head, but felt deeply in one’s heart.
Due to social programming, religious upbringing and internal pride, I’ve struggled with guilt, shame and especially fear in this seemingly long journey to look at myself and this ongoing crossroad. There is no right or wrong route here, but I know that nothing is lost if the loving energy within a unit stays the same.
Having evolved in the last several years, I can adamantly say, we are no longer staying for the kids, instead, we are separating for the kids. We are writing a new, unique and beautiful chapter for them. They are receiving a happier, stronger and loving version of both of us. They will see him in his sovereign light, me in my own and how brilliantly we all shine together.
Despite the natural struggles in dividing assets, discussing difficult topics and undergoing long-standing annoyances, I was extremely focused on having a conscious uncoupling. I didn’t want to use a lawyer. I believe in communication, even if it made us uncomfortable. Whatever lost, I knew we would individually regain. Every time I battled my ego, I went back to humility and gratitude. Even though it wasn’t always this way – I fantastically believed this would be a respectful compromise, a loving division and a quick legal process.
May 1st coincidentally and officially marks the day of endings and beginnings. I have so much gratitude for his role in my life and mine in his. No one knows what the future holds, for God’s greatest gift is our Free Will.
And so it is.