June 10, 2024

A part of my healing process is asking myself daily, “Why do I want to live?” It wasn’t enough to recite normal answers…my kids, my family, blah, blah blah. Yes. I really felt that way sometimes.

Truth was, a lot of my relationships felt tiring. Most of my world centered around serving people. I felt trapped in an unending cycle of fatigue and temporary happiness.

As I submitted to a favorite verse in The Lord’s Prayer, “thy will be done,” I released all responsibility as to what would happen if I died. “I had a good life. My kids will be ok,” I often said – and depending on my tone, I was either joking, reconciling or serious.

Re-purposing my world and dreaming about a desired life completely unknown to me…one where I felt self love, divine union, spiritual satiety and abounding happiness seemed unreal. Until I saw it. Felt it. And Knew IT.

I saw my Free Will. The decision to choose life or death, love or fear, an old story or an entirely new one, hanging on…or letting go.

I was straddling two worlds. One life I knew I could live with and another I didn’t want to live without. I was uncomfortable.

I was scared. And as I keep walking down this unpaved road, I can feel my instincts grow, my resilience heightening and my courage strengthening. I am seeing the light. Yet Nothing has changed – but my ability to see better in the dark.

The darkness is that intuitive dance that leads you from fear to faith. That small moment when the sun rises as the moon sets. Or the second when blood pumps into your heart and immediately enters out. Nothing guides it and yet everything does. We don’t need to see the full picture because we know who the painter is…

It’s the moment you tandem sky dive from 10,000 feet high out of an airplane or jump head down attached to a bungee cord on your lone trip to Thailand.

I’ve done both.

It’s that complete, utter and irreversible commitment to a decision made, having faith you will come out the other side. Thy will be done.

Before all the have to’s, want to’s and I wish I didn’t have to’s….Our first “to do” when entering this world was to grow and become what we were created to be. Flow, expand, grow and develop. You KNOW when something gives you life – but only when you have felt the residue death leaves in its wake. The monotony, depression, stress, sadness, obligation, annoyance, fatigue, pain, frustration, grief…all emotions I faced leading up to my cancer diagnosis. Like yin and yang, you can’t know one, without the other.

If you never experience heartbreaking love, deathly fear, incredible ambition, ferocious passion, explosive laughter or tremendous loss – then you’re not fully living all the incredible aspects of our human experience. Express. None of these emotions are avoidable, unless you choose not to feel. Feelings dictate our thoughts, and our thoughts direct our actions. If you want a new reality, then own, understand and feel all your feelings.

Unless of course, the feelings, didn’t feel good. Which is what I did. I distracted myself. I ran. I filled up my schedule. I traveled. I worked – a lot. I ignored bodily symptoms of stress, I made excuses for poor behavior from close people around me, I said yes to things I really, really knew was a definite NO. I betrayed myself. I abandoned my wants. I didn’t know myself. I was everything, everyone expected of me – except for me.

I stopped loving this life. I stopped finding joy in this existence. I was tired. I was sad. I didn’t say it, but my body manifested it. I didn’t want to be here, anymore.

And that’s the truth I had to succumb to since starting this journey of rescuing, loving and healing myself. I had to know thyself. I had to remove every critical voice in my head that wasn’t my own. I had to set boundaries and not feel bad. Because I was tired of feeling bad, imperfect, not worthy or unloved. I declare joy, gratitude, abundance, happiness, trust and intimacy. I am done holding back love and holding on to things that are not love.

I’m convicted, again. For there are things you stand firmly upon because it was a truth found in one’s heart and not one’s head. We make life and death decisions every day – know thyself.