July 17, 2005

I had a very interesting past week…right around Tuesday night I started feeling fatigued and tired…soon that feeling turned into an acute depression. (I strongly believe this is hormonally influenced.) I started lying around a lot…staring at the wall, not even working out!

I know myself well: and I know that because I have had difficulties with my menstrual cycle…I have fluctuating chemical imbalances…I also know, that for the last couple years, my drive to be disciplined and focused in dieting (not so much training) has really disseminated. And God help anyone around me when I’m not in training…

I believe that life is based on balance…a balance between two extremes: love and hate, courage and fear, sadness and happiness etc. And there is a thin line between these extremes…and on any given day, you can cross those lines and experience emotions and take certain actions that you never thought could exist.
I’ve been thinking a lot about both the concept of ‘balance’ and ‘free will’ most recently. For example, I realize that in regards to training hard and eating healthy: instead of wanting to work out at eat well because I wanted to…due to the years of strict discipline it took to compete, my favorite past time that began as a fun ‘hobby’ became a ‘have to do thing’ instead of a ‘want to do thing.’ Psychologically I felt like I lost my ‘free will’ to make decisions on this action in my life. I started regressing in my energy levels and because of that, I haven’t seen the results I once saw when I ‘liked’ to train and eat well. It is really important to be balanced in your work, your relationships, your hobbies etc…because when anything stops delivering the same gratification, there will be a paradigm shift in your energy towards that action.

This is why I constantly drive the importance of understanding choice…understanding process and learning why you do things: because by knowing yourself and your role in the actions you partake in your daily life, you better understand your authentic life and your personal happiness.

I use my life experiences of depression, happiness, struggle and success as a book for everyone to read how a single person like myself, deals with the same human tendencies to fall into one extreme of life or the other.
Last week was hard. But this week will be great. You know why? Because everything that happened in the past, already happened, and I can’t change that. Situations happen for a reason: and I would not have discovered this reason without the negative action. Through conscious thought, I found positive reasons why it occurred. I can now take this new knowledge and re-direct tomorrow, because today, inside my mind…I discovered my inner power… to change me.