My mother passed away on October 15 2021. The day started unusually usual. My husband surprisingly agreed to run three miles with me at 6am. I twisted my ankle on an acorn. I worked. I attended a meeting at a carehome. I picked up my niece from school for the first time and we had vegan ice cream and walked the shops. I dropped into Ulta, where my stepdaughter was getting her haircut. At around 4pm I received a call from my mother. In our joint family text, we’ve been monitoring her low blood pressure for the last few days. That day – a Thursday – was extremely concerning.
She asked if I could take her to the hospital. I left immediately to her house and arrived 8 mins later. We agreed my father would transport her and I would accompany her inside the ER. Having been with her multiple times prior throughout my life, it was unfortunately normal to see her in this condition.
There was a distinct moment while there when she was scared and I told her nonchalantly,
“It will be ok mom. No Fear! Remember that. What’s the worst that could happen? You may die, but there is no death. In death you are immediately reborn. You will be with God and you will no longer be trapped in this body.”
I comforted her with the faith that carried me through many of my tough life moments…the belief that this existence is temporary and to have no fear. I had no idea, of course, that this day would be her last. I was just there – as a dutiful daughter – just as she raised all her daughters to be, our entire lives.
Close to midnight, she was getting ready to be transferred. While she was still weak, she told me I could leave, but I insisted on staying until being ‘forced’ out.
As I worked on answering Instagram DM’s the nurse assigned to my mother suddenly noticed she was unresponsive. There was no warning. No alarms. Just seconds earlier she was alert but lucid. I knew immediately she had passed.
As I watched in complete shock, I could feel my knees shaking. I was given a chair but refused to sit. I prayed for her. I knew her spirit was in the room and I wished for her strength. Whatever her spirit needed to do – whether stay or go – I prayed for her strength, for “thy will be done”. Within minutes each member would show up as they witnessed the last efforts in trying to salvage the life of this relatively young but sickly woman. She was our matriarch, a powerful life force, who’s existence transformed the lives of so many. She was our best friend.
And just like that.
She was gone.
The first day I stayed in bed and cried. I was immobile. A month passed like a blur. I had no interest in posting on social media. My appetite, which has long been lost for some time – felt permanently gone. Nothing felt important anymore.
I was empty.
I had solace knowing I could feel her through prayers, meditations and dreams. My daily spiritual practices helped me recover from her permanent absence…a moment I long feared, after all, she had been plagued with many preventative health issues. My love for her and anger towards her ailments, pushed me to pursue a career in wellness.
I knew my experience in losing her wasn’t unique. I knew every person’s parent will die, including my children’s. In my deepest sadness and acceptance, I knew I was blessed to have her, however short it felt. She was an extraordinarily charismatic woman, who’s smile can light up a room and who’s scowl can make you nervous. She loved life, loved jewelry, loved food, loved blackjack, loved businesses, loved war movies, loved parties…and above all, she loved her family.
My life has now been divided into two. One with her, and one without her.
I am grateful for the opportunity to be her daughter… Grateful to physically exist in the same energy field as hers. While her death pains me, her life sustains me. You cannot die, if you have not lived. I am thankful for her life.
I am grateful.
My mother was recently diagnosed with CHF and I was going to get her an Apple Watch for Christmas. I am buying it today after reading this. Thank you so much for sharing these special moments with us. I just shared this story with my mom and had a heart to heart with her about my concerns for her health. I’m sure she will take things seriously after seeing me cry describing this heartfelt blog. Thank you for this. ❤️
What a beautiful tribute I have the same similar story with my mom too. You’re fortunate you have sisters. I am an only child. But grateful that I still have my dad, husband and two young girls.
I never expected that day was THE DAY. You will get through this. I did. And it’ll be almost 2 years this March 3rd. Stay strong. You are loved. Your mom is now beside you all the time as your guardian angel.
May she rest in paradise.
Thank you. And you are so right! I am blessed with siblings. It does matter. God Bless you. I can’t imagine experiencing this alone.
Maria, I visit your post regularly. I am deeply sorry for the loss of your mother. I lost my dad in March this year. Your post was beautiful and so accurate especially when you are faced with such devastation. We are the lucky ones who were blessed with such amazing parents. May our faiths carry us through these difficult moments. Thinking of your family.
I am so sorry to hear this Kiren. God Bless you. We are not alone.
This is heartbreaking and I know someday we will all experience it. I pray I will have your strength and grace. Prayers to you and your family
Thank you. Yes, let each death remind us the importance of living our life with love, passion and integrity.
Our condolences. Life is but a vapor the Bible states and it becomes most clear as we see our loved ones and friends go. May you have our Lord Jesús Christ comfort and peace that surpasses understanding. Sending prayers this morning. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for your prayers. I appreciate you.
I have been where you are at and feel for you and your family. You are living with faith and that will get you through your grief. God bless.
Beautiful tribute to your mom. Condolences to you and your family 💙
Thank you Gia.
I’ve followed you for years and love all your family posts you have made in the past. So very sorry for this unimaginable loss you are grieving through and sending prayers for healing for you and your family💗
I am so sorry for your loss, I too lost my mother almost two years ago, and although she is no longer suffering the emptiness and ache I still have is very real. Keep your eyes upon God and he will walk with you and strengthen you, I now live moment by moment and where there is great grief, there is great love.
I’m not a fan of you but I am sorry for your loss.. from experience it’s very hard to lose a parent .. may your family find peace
Thank you – ‘not a fan of you’? That’s a very odd thing to say.
Especially under the circumstances. I on the other hand am a fan. Maria, I am so sorry for your loss. If your mother was anything like you then she was amazing! You have helped so many of us get up off the floor and dust ourselves off. Always know that she will be looking after you and will always be with you in spirit. My condolences to you and your family.
I know it’s a different world when you lose someone so dear and loving. I’m glad you could handle it as best you could. When I think about my Mom, and how encouraging, caring, and supportive she was it gives me a lift, and it’s something that I think about every day. She’s still with you, in your heart, and gives you strength and encouragement. I know she would be proud of your accomplishments and the love that you share.
Thank you Ron for these kind and encouraging words.
Thank you for expressing your story and I can tell how much your mum means to you. I have very strong feelings for my mum and she passed almost 8 years ago tomorrow. I smile when I think of her, which I know you will and can. I too was blessed to be her son as you have shared how blessed you are to be her daughter. Our memories will live on forever and I tell my son all about my mum and the silly things she did, which instantly brings laughter to the both of us. In time, I am certain you too will experience her in this new way and it is magnificent. Of this I am sure and my sincere condolences to you and your loved ones…………
When my lola passed I was devastated for a long time. .took me a while to learn to live with the pain. Now that my mother is getting older and health issues are arising..my worst fear is loosing her since she is all i have. My heart hurts for you and I pray for your strength during this difficult time. My deepest condolences 💐
I’m so sorry Joan! I understand but I also see so much relief in dying..bc we all will too..and I have so much faith in what’s next. It’s the only thing giving me solace.
As I’ve also lost my Mother, it’s a day you’ll probably never forget.
You got to say Goodbye & give her comfort with your words & your presence as she passed. I also as well when my mother passed & at first it didn’t comfort me. As the years have passed, I realized it was gift to be there in the room & comfort her as she took her final breaths.
May your memories of her, her love & her lessons bring you peace as you navigate life on this Earth without her. The journey through grief can be Hell, but you’ll get through it. Prayers of comfort, peace & healing are being sent to you & your family this season.
Extra (((hugs))) for you.
Yes. It was a gift, although difficult – I see why I was present in that moment. God Bless you and thank you for these kind words.
This brought me to tears…for you and your family. Lean on those around you who love and care for you deeply. What a beautiful tribute to your beautiful mum. Thinking of you and your Dad xxx
Thank you Liz.
I lost my mom on August 14, 2021. She was my best friend, my business partner, my everything. Words can’t express the hole left in my heart… Prayers for you as you adjust to life without your mom. I know the void you’re feeling. ❤️
I am sorry to read this Kristie. God Bless you!
You have passed my thoughts recently because I knew your mom passed and you were broken. I still have my mom but lost both my biological father at age 11 and stepfather three years ago. I know the pain of death and I took am a Christian. His grace will be sufficient in your time of need. I pray your heart finds peace.
Thank you Charlin. God Bless you! Wow. 11 years old…you must have grown in so much wisdom and faith because of that experience.
My deepest condolences to you and your family! Thank you for writing about your mom and sharing with us your story. I lost my mom unexpectedly to Covid this past February and I still struggle daily on living life without her. Sending all my love and prayers to you ❤️
I lost my Mom suddenly as well, and she was also relatively young. It’s so incredibly hard – sending prayers your way for peace and healing.
I am so sorry Terri. Faith has helped me.
Peace be (and stay) with you.
Thank you Marsha.
My condolences. I lost my dad in February so I feel all of this very much. Love and prayers for you and your family this holiday season.
Jenny, God Bless you.
Maria- I am so sorry and ignore the person who is callous enough to say “I’m not a fan of you” to someone who is grieving and while you poured your heart and soul on paper talking about something to tragic and sad and heartbreaking. I learned a lot after the loss of my dad- grief will eventually come and go and you will have more good days than bad. You will continue to live your life but it feels like an arm or leg or something is missing- that feeling never leaves. Anyway- god bless you and your family. And -you’ll see flecks of your mom in your kids that you never noticed before and it is such a gift. Much love Maria.
Thank you Seema for this very kind and encouraging message.
I feel for you, losing our Mothers is a very deep pain that is indescribable. It’s been 6 years for me and I still cry like a baby when I start to feeling missing my Mom. I can’t call her and chat about my day. I can only see her lovely pictures and weep silently. Hang in there! Auntie Bambi Meris
Awe thank you for this Auntie Bambi!!! You are very sweet for reaching out and providing comforting words. God Bless us all.
So sorry for your loss . You’ll be in my prayers. God bless
Thank you Anita
My mother passed away last year. It was so strange to witness the strong woman who raised me get sick and go through the process of dying.
Although we have experienced such loss, there is still so much to be grateful for. Thank you for sharing Maria.
My heart goes out to you and your family. 💕
Yes. Still so much to be grateful for!!! Very wise. God Bless you.
I’m so sorry for your loss i lost my mum 4 years ago and I’m still finding it hard I wish you and your family all the best
I’m so sorry to hear this. God Bless you.
What a beautiful tribute Maria, your Mother sounded like one amazing lady, just like you! Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family x
Thank you Andrea. She was…
Beautiful words as difficult as they may have been to write. I sympathize with you and I dread the day. Too many close encounters…. Continue to lean on your faith. 💪🏼🙏🏼
Thank you Michelle
My heart breaks for you and your families loss. I noticed what a beautiful casket and realized my daughter was buried in the same one. Blessings for you and your family as you travel this road without your beloved mother.
Oh my! Your daughter!? I’m so sorry!!! God Bless you.
My deepest sympathy to you and you family. I have been following you for years. I can relate to the frustration you felt towards her health issues. My mom is also in poor health and she doesn’t seem to care, no matter what you say to her. I know she won’t be with us for very long if she continues to not take care of herself. It makes me strive to take better care of myself so my children have me for longer and don’t worry about me the way I worry for my mom.
You are an incredible woman and an inspiration. Sending prayers to you and your family.
I followed you on Facebook. This hit so closed to home. I just lost my Beloved Father on January 27. He became unresponsive during his dialysis treatment. My heart stopped when I got the call. Your tribute has been such an inspiration for me.
I am very sorry for the loss of your mom. My mom also did not look after herself for years and for a while I was angry but I have come to realise how complex and unfair life can be for some (I couldn’t have survived what she went through), how people have different limits and emotional reactions, and what a warrior she was for living for others.
Grieving for your mom is a unique and exquisite pain but you are right to be grateful for her life and love and I can promise you that the gratitude and her spirit will sustain and comfort you as the early acutely painful year or two of grieving gives way to easier and more comfortable times. The love for your sons will also sustain you and you will find yourself doing things for her as much as for yourself without being paralysed by the loss. You will see her again one day. God bless you and your mom.