My Personal Strife.

July 3, 2006

July 3, 2006

We went on a short road trip to Fresno on Saturday to watch my good friend, Betty Hsu, compete in Miss California America. She looked absolutely beautiful and even tied for evening gown! The entire production was amazing. What was more astonishing was the immense talent all these women on stage housed.

Today is Sunday, and it feels like one of the longest days of my life! I woke up after 6 hours of driving on Saturday – and after eating my standard egg whites and oatmeal for breakfast, I started watching a rented DVD that was due the night beforeit was the movie tribute to Mother Theresa. (Louis gets amused over the dvd’s I choose to rent in comparison to what he would probably like to watch) After becoming captivated by the sacrifices and charitable contributions this woman gave to this world while alive, I went to church and prayedwhile I prayed for all my family, friends and those I’ve never met, I prayed more than anything to live a simple lifeto give as much as I can while I lived in this life.

Afterwards I went to Borders and read business books on nonprofits and team building, as well as spiritual magazines on mind evolution. Then, I walked next door to Whole Foods and ate a nice salad outside while I observed the quirky interaction between people and crude conduct of cars passing by. After researching recipes, I went to the grocery store to pick up ingredients for dinner and fill up my empty gas tank. After arriving home, I prepared 3 flavors of sugar free jello and took a quick nap before I began cooking a surprise dinner. While I was limited in spices and ingredients (I was at Louis’ house) I still managed to concoct a nice meal of healthy turkey meatloaf, saut of onions and mushrooms, brown rice pilaf and mixed jello with apples and fat free cool whip!

We decided to dine outside on the balcony since it was a really pretty day in San Ramon. After consuming a hearty meal, we decided to take a brisk walk around the neighborhood. (I, of course, took my jump rope) When we returned, I made some calls to family and friends – watched “Iron Chef” and “Entourage” while Louis worked upstairs on the computer. (Right now he is STILL working next to me at 1:30 AM.!)

While today was busy – there were more than a handful of times when I sat in a corner, staring off into the bleakness of nowhere, entrenched with thoughtsI feel like my mind was occupied with past, present and future decisions I had made and will make.

Right now, I am in ‘strategy’ mode. There are so many things I want to do – so much that I am doing – but I ALWAYS feel that it’s never enough. I can always do more, be more, and contribute more. Constantly driving myself to extreme levels of action is my personal strife

When I physically train, I train hard. When I set a goal: I plan, prepare and take action with swift discipline. When I am in ‘execution’ modenothing gets in the way from me and my commitment to follow through.

Lately I realize that ‘slowing’ down – takes as much discipline as ‘speeding up.’ Today is a perfect example of how a day filled with activity, is actually a ‘slow’ day for me because I forced myself to take time to watch a DVD, take patience to read a book, take creativity to cook a meal, take patience to watch a television show…even my walk and this journal right now takes personal effort and conscious discipline..usually I go, go and go.

Each activity took concentration and continuous awareness in the action. By slowing down, and recognizing my present awarenss and actions that follow my mind’s direction, I was able to discipline my innate desire to constantly speed up despite the cautious nature of my inner self to move too fast.