June 8, 2007

Its hot here in Sacramento!
I just came back from a short run with Tiger and am earnestly trying to
pull some motivation out of me not just to complete this journal, but
to also train again in the next half hour before dinner.

New Zealand was great. Amazing how you can be one place yesterday and
another place today amazing how all you have left is whatever remnant
you kept to savor that moment.

This morning as I was cleaning my room, I read through old personal diaries
detailing the events and emotions of the last 2 years. Actually, I have
a chest full of diaries that document my world since the 4th grade. It
was interesting to see

While I’ve traveled many places while I’ve met many people while Ive
dated many men…not all have strong synapses in my brain.

The only memories I remember are those that bring out the 2 strongest human
emotions: Love or Hate. These two emotions can also be defined as
pleasure or pain, or happiness or sadness

I have found that I tend to sometimes confuse the two

The only reflections in my minds collections are the times when I was in a
place that scared me, when I was around people I disliked, or when I
was with a man I was challenged to accept. By inviting those challenges
into my heart, I found that those people, places and things brought me
the most pain and the most pleasure.  As I experienced a deeper
emotion, I became more internally tested and therefore found more of
myself in each challenging equation.

The challenge manifested in the courage found when you seek pleasure or
pain is what ultimately provided the wisdom to take me into a new
dimension of self.  Similar to running, through life
endurances, we will find an endurance high.  When you are enduring
you are moving, when you are moving, you are taking action, and when
you are taking action, you are living.

Every scientist can only begin experimenting and understanding living matter
by its ability to move, evolve, change and have activity.  Without
change nothing changes.

I changed when I came back from New Zealand. When I trained in the gym
yesterday morning, when I walked Tiger and as I write this entry…I know
that Ive changed. The experience of these last couple years
are taking on new meaning. I’m no longer in the mix I see what has
molded and am ready to begin sculpting a new destiny. I
admittedly have also lost my appetite to eat and have been forcing
daily meals since arrival. However, I also gained a desire for
discipline, a passion for connection and an urge to play a more
protective and responsible role within my family.

In reflecting on old diary entries, even old journal entries on this site I realize more fully how the motivations of my past have always been driven by either pain or pleasure.
The memories of today will only stick if I challenge myself with the
values placed in either emotion. Right now my values are directed
towards the avoidance of pain I don’t want to feel in failing or giving
up life in a depressive cycle of what ifs.  Right now my values are
also directed towards the desire of pleasure I want to feel in being
passionately put to each life test and gaining esteem from every old
experience.

Know what directs your actions today knowing yourself is the key to seeing your future.

Journal Pictures: June 8, 2007

my beautiful niece in New Zealand, Leila!!!

Look! That’s Mount Cook!!

I drove for a little bit (the steering wheel is on the right side!)

That’s me on the left side – can you see me??!!

I
thought it would be funny to photo the back of my crv – I carry loads
of books everywhere I go (if you see 2 boxes towards the left full of
books your eye is not decieving you! I am crazy!) and I have boxes of
books in storage and beside my bed! There is also have glutamine,
protein and a box full of shoes for every occasion (just in case!)
Aren’t I terrible??

I went on an impromptu hiking trip yesterday in South Lake Tahoe with Spencer. There I am peeking behind the trees. lol!

Going up is the easy part – going down is the scary part!

I HATE going across logs – I crawl across those things.

I love water falls –

Check out the new Max Sports and Fitness Magazine! My article “Accelerate your Summer goals with SPEED” is on page 38!