Auditing myself.

February 1, 2011

February 1, 2011                              

Today was a tough day. For the last couple days I’ve been incredibly emotional. I don’t know what it is I just feel like lying in bed and crying. Sometimes for no reason at all. Today I was given a big wake up call when I realized I wasn’t performing at my best. I’ve never been a very detail-oriented person, in fact, that was probably the only strain in my annual performance reviews whenever I worked for a corporation. 

David knows this challenge well: I can’t listen to a long, descriptive story; I just want the story teller to get to the point. I don’t like reading long literature; most often I read the beginning and skip right to the end. While I can re-draft an article five times; I still manage to miss 10 grammatical errors. I don’t like looking at miniscule things; I’m a big picture kind of gal and with everything, it has its pros and cons.

Years ago, David encouraged me to begin working with my parents to manage one of their care home facilities. It was tough for me to tackle that type of responsibility considering I didn’t want to involve myself in the family business. However, when life took over and I became unexpectedly pregnant, it was evident I needed to become responsible over my finances and my future. So I began managing a care home for the elderly. It’s a rewarding job, but it’s also challenging. There’s a lot of paperwork, a lot of relationship-building and a lot of familial politics. I’m good at relationships, but I’m mediocre at the rest. Whenever I receive criticism, a part of me feels defensive, but most of me feels incredibly hurt.

I’m not hurt because of my work evaluation, I’m hurt because I always expect more from myself and it’s tough to know I could have done better. Today was a tough personal audit, and while I did my share of crying and personal reflection, I know that when I get back to the grain I will be stronger.

I wear many professional hats: today I had a mom-me meet up, tomorrow I have a parent transformation meeting and on Friday I have an article deadline. Since making the mature decision to take over one of my parent’s care homes, last year I also invested in purchasing my own business. I’ve evolved in my work and have become more realistic about my future. I realize that in order for me to maintain my passionate endeavors in the fitness industry and be a stay-at-home mother, I needed a steady income that will allow me those freedoms. It’s a tough decision to be over ambitious it’s not easy and I’m not superwoman.

But I try to be.

I didn’t want to exercise today but I made a commitment to two “mom-me” girlfriends to train at the gym. If they didn’t hold me accountable, I wouldn’t have been there (and vice versa). Working out helped me find better life perspective as well as fill me with the happy endorphin high afterwards. Sharing time with mothers, one of which is a chiropractor, the other a nurse; helped me better realize the silent cry every busy woman faces to be everything to everyone to their children, their work and their husbands.

I feel like an unending guilt trip.

And sometimes I think this trip will end until I wake up the next day and train my body, then lead a school program, then wake the kids, then feed them, then laundry, then dishes, then answer emails, make phone calls, send faxes, update paperwork, run errands, manage employees all the while feeling guilty for not finishing my daily to do lists, for not spending enough time with the kids, for missing a workout or not being more romantic to my husband.

I’m very emotional right now. However, the biggest feeling I have is personal disappointment. I strive to be better in all facets of my life and I expect more from myself.

Expecting more from yourself is a hard process, which is why most people don’t aim high and therefore achieve mediocrity in their lives. Expecting more requires you to get mentally exhausted, emotionally wilted and physically drained….it requires you to take criticism to heart because it really does matter what other people evaluate. I’ve always wanted more from life, which is why I am sensitive to personal assessments. This is a humbling experience. Not only is it hard to swallow your imperfections, but you realize that after this moment – things have to change. Things must be forced to change, so that life can produce a different result. Realizing this emotional process is why I welcome days like today: where I want to cry out loud, lay in bed and write endless feelings in my diary.

I do it because personal reflection is key to my evolution.


Journal Pictures: February 1 2011

At Rachel’s Baby Shower on Sunday.
Believe it or not, I’ve never played a babyshower game.
But I won this! (finding safety pins with eyes closed in rice)
And I ended up doing well on all the games! It’s my competitiveness!

My sister Angel captured this photo of Christian and I at Sunday
lunch a couple weekends ago. I love it. He always has a “stare down” with me!

There are many things I strive to be, the biggest thing I
want to be – is a good role model for our children.