April 23, 2006

 

I cut my hair! Over 7 inches of it! Saturday morning I woke up with an urge for change. These past few weeks I’ve been training hard, working hard and playing hard. But, while I have been spinning the wheels and producing potential energy for a future effect, my patience to see change right now is stuck in the pace of our world’s natural winds of time.

 

Each day I’ve been waking up with an exhaustive feeling – besides the intense training and caloric deficit – besides the long meetings and deadlines….I know that this lack of energy stems from a place far beyond my mundane comprehension. Examining my psyche since I was a little girl has allowed me to really understand my internal patterns and seasons…and right now, I’m ready to see some growth.

 

I started playing tennis again – I was first introduced to the game by a college boyfriend and tennis pro, Karim Benhamida, and was again surprised with 2 new tennis rackets from Louis this past week! While I haven’t been swinging a racket for at least 4 years, my muscle memory was still in tact. I still managed to pull a few great serves and could hear the ball hit the sweet spot of the racket a few times!

 

As I played I realized that while I may have forgotten the game – the game hadn’t forgotten me. It took a little bit of practice to ‘get used to it’ again, but eventually, it felt like I never stopped playing. Similar to anything in life – once you experienced a person, place or thing, it will never leave you…it will always be a part of you, for everything you are today is a combination of the good and bad things that intersected your life. While we grow, mature and ‘move on’ – we aren’t moving forward, we are truly moving ‘up’ …up towards a spiritual realization of what that person, place or thing helped us learn about our life, ourselves and our ‘being’.

 

Waking up each day with a feeling of exhaustion is not a physical result of too little sleep or too much work – it is the giant within me ‘waking up’ from being at rest all these years…all these years of living, but not really consciously ‘living’ at all. Right now, when I walked back from the tennis courts, I could feel the brisk wind hit my face; when I tasted mustard, I could sense the pinch of bold honey, when I ran; I could feel the lightness of my earthly presence. With proper awareness and consistent gratitude, we can all feel our ‘whole-ness’ with all things around us…

 

By letting go of my long hair – hair that defined and symbolized my physical projection… in turn, I was truly allowing my heart to become unaffected by a natural course of change in our world. These were the first steps of change I hope to encounter in the next year…for in changing, you know you are moving…and when you are moving, you know you are getting somewhere…and by getting somewhere you know you have to take different actions that consistently kept you ‘here’.

 

But while you have ‘left’ – like playing tennis this past week – your past has never left you, by moving on and honestly reflecting, the past only got better.