December 4, 2015
My life is in a stand still.
On my 35th birthday I took a lone walk in the snowy woods. I was in my annual routine – just me, nature and God. I didn’t receive presents, I had an inedible cake and was surrounded by strangers. I was filming a project to be released next year. At night the stars lit up the sky and like the child I was at 5, I looked up and asked God “Why am I here?”
These past few weeks I existed temporarily in a world where I was a pawn piece who was calculatedly placed in different situations to elicit reaction. It was an incredible experience. These last 35 years, I lived just like billions of people who want “The Dream” of raising healthy children, owning a home, having a business and existing in a seemingly perfect marriage. It all seems perfect, until something cracks and reveals the imperfection lying within your glass house.
Like the tiny rock that hits your windshield, expands, grows and eventually breaks the protective wall between you and the outside world, your “reality” will break too, once you realize that it’s a game of you and the outside forces that be.
I came back home emotionally fatigued. For the first couple days my body was here, but my mind was somewhere else. A week prior, my body was there, but my heart was here.
I didn’t know how to operate.
I didn’t want to work, workout, drive, eat, or sleep. I didn’t want to write, I didn’t want to post in social media, even though I discovered my husband had posted on my behalf while I was away.
I struggled with his posts.
We’ve had our challenges this past year and to re-read some of those instances was tough. I saw a post where he mentioned not acknowledging me the day my book launched. While he wisely spoke about love languages, all I remember was working nonstop leading up to that day, being sick and traveling to New York and crying most of that day – wondering why he was so hostile and couldn’t say, text or post: “Good Job honey” or “I’m proud of you”. There have been times we both felt disconnected and disrespected, moments when we talk and you’re certain no one is listening.
It’s not easy to be in a fast-paced partnership where two strong egos sleep in the same bed.
I struggled with him posting after I requested several times that he didn’t. I didn’t mind of course, because he does what he wants to do, even though he knows I would disagree.
And that’s what leads me to this standstill.
Beyond the show that will produce and air next year, there is a character we portray in the show called our Life. We can act wise, funny, successful, romantic, loyal and devoted – but that’s all show.
The truth is, we are all imperfect. What we show others through posts, pictures and even a TV episode, is what we choose to reveal. In my online world, there has been intimate stories of marital struggles, weight fluctuations, bouts of depression and constant seeking of purpose.
Today I have a story, but it’s not mines to tell.