My mother passed away on October 15 2021. The day started unusually usual. My husband surprisingly agreed to run three miles with me at 6am. I twisted my ankle on an acorn. I worked. I attended a meeting at a carehome. I picked up my niece from school for the first time and we had vegan ice cream and walked the shops. I dropped into Ulta, where my stepdaughter was getting her haircut. At around 4pm I received a call from my mother. In our joint family text, we’ve been monitoring her low blood pressure for the last few days. That day – a Thursday – was extremely concerning.
She asked if I could take her to the hospital. I left immediately to her house and arrived 8 mins later. We agreed my father would transport her and I would accompany her inside the ER. Having been with her multiple times prior throughout my life, it was unfortunately normal to see her in this condition.
There was a distinct moment while there when she was scared and I told her nonchalantly,
“It will be ok mom. No Fear! Remember that. What’s the worst that could happen? You may die, but there is no death. In death you are immediately reborn. You will be with God and you will no longer be trapped in this body.”
I comforted her with the faith that carried me through many of my tough life moments…the belief that this existence is temporary and to have no fear. I had no idea, of course, that this day would be her last. I was just there – as a dutiful daughter – just as she raised all her daughters to be, our entire lives.
Close to midnight, she was getting ready to be transferred. While she was still weak, she told me I could leave, but I insisted on staying until being ‘forced’ out.
As I worked on answering Instagram DM’s the nurse assigned to my mother suddenly noticed she was unresponsive. There was no warning. No alarms. Just seconds earlier she was alert but lucid. I knew immediately she had passed.
As I watched in complete shock, I could feel my knees shaking. I was given a chair but refused to sit. I prayed for her. I knew her spirit was in the room and I wished for her strength. Whatever her spirit needed to do – whether stay or go – I prayed for her strength, for “thy will be done”. Within minutes each member would show up as they witnessed the last efforts in trying to salvage the life of this relatively young but sickly woman. She was our matriarch, a powerful life force, who’s existence transformed the lives of so many. She was our best friend.
And just like that.
She was gone.
The first day I stayed in bed and cried. I was immobile. A month passed like a blur. I had no interest in posting on social media. My appetite, which has long been lost for some time – felt permanently gone. Nothing felt important anymore.
I was empty.
I had solace knowing I could feel her through prayers, meditations and dreams. My daily spiritual practices helped me recover from her permanent absence…a moment I long feared, after all, she had been plagued with many preventative health issues. My love for her and anger towards her ailments, pushed me to pursue a career in wellness.
I knew my experience in losing her wasn’t unique. I knew every person’s parent will die, including my children’s. In my deepest sadness and acceptance, I knew I was blessed to have her, however short it felt. She was an extraordinarily charismatic woman, who’s smile can light up a room and who’s scowl can make you nervous. She loved life, loved jewelry, loved food, loved blackjack, loved businesses, loved war movies, loved parties…and above all, she loved her family.
My life has now been divided into two. One with her, and one without her.
I am grateful for the opportunity to be her daughter… Grateful to physically exist in the same energy field as hers. While her death pains me, her life sustains me. You cannot die, if you have not lived. I am thankful for her life.
I am grateful.