Seeking a profound existence.

January 7, 2011

January 7, 2011

I’m not feeling too hot today I’ve been waking up every day this week early to cover my fitness program at the Middle School. I’m in the process of looking for a new coordinator, but in the meantime, I felt that it would be important for me to be there every day so I can get re-acquainted with the students, the program and the progress. After another cold morning at the school, I drove to the gym only to sit in my warm car for five minutes meditating on how I can motivate myself to step out of the car, into the gym, and perform a noteworthy workout. However, that didn’t happen.

I drove home. I did so for a variety of reasons. Firstly, I knew the boys would be getting up and that David would have a hard time with their morning routine since he fell asleep late last night. Secondly, it was an incredibly cold and cloudy day making it very unmotivating to train. Lastly, and most importantly, I lacked a significant goal I was working towards which made the importance of that single act of entering those gym doors extremely hard.

David and I had a deep conversation very late last night. We talked about his nostalgia for his time in the Marine Corps and his desire to develop similar jarhead friendships and disciplined routines for his life today. Immediately after graduating from high school in Hawaii, he enlisted into the Corps and chose to undergo training in Parris Island, the same place where his father received his training many years earlier. After nine years of service he went into law enforcement, security training and eventually private security in Iraq. After a car bomb that nearly killed him, he had to re-learn to walk, talk and live once again. In these deepest moments is when he began writing brilliant poetry, poetry that could have only been written from a person with a wise soul and experienced life.

Now he tells me that he doesn’t write anymore.

I understood well as I hardly write poetry and passionate meanderings of life anymore myself.

I feel like David is nostalgic of the happy place we all revisit in our life memory. For me, it was during the summer of my junior year in college, when I anxiously told my mom I was going to become a trainer. Earlier that evening, after a push up contest with friends at 24hour Fitness, I was asked to be a trainer by the fitness manager. I remember learning new exercises, meeting new people, excelling as a trainer and succeeding in sales goals. That time of my life laid down my passionate foundation for fitness. The “happy place” in our memories reminds us of who we are and why we are…

After graduating from UC Davis, traveling the world, competing in pageants, becoming a fitness manager and moving to San Francisco I began to lose myself and I also became Bulimic.

While it felt like a long, painful suicide, it was in that darkness where I discovered my deepest voice. It was in my depression when I delivered the most prolific writings of my life. Through those insights I felt re-bornI felt inspired and I felt the most profound love by God.

During that time period I also started this website.

Since that creative time in my life, I moved back to Sacramento, quit my corporate job, started a nonprofit, had two sons, started a business and got married to “the one”.   

While I often yearn for that serene state of consciousness, I never did go back to that state of mind again.

A part of me desires to reach deep in my psyche to pull out passionate wisdoms of life again but a part of me also realizes that it took so much mentally, physically and spiritually to get to that state of consciousness

Like David I don’t want to nearly die in order to feel profoundness in my life.

At the same timeI don’t want to get lost in complacent life routines that lack authentic purpose. I ended up training later this evening after realizing that it is not enough to have physical goals. I need to have a direction and a purpose that will manifest my physical goals.

As David and I conversed about finding life purpose again, Christian walked sleepily into our bed and forced us into silence and eventually into slumber.

While I laid there half asleep-half awake, I drowsily whispered, What is your bliss?

Before he could answer.we both finally fell asleep.

Journal Pictures: January 4 2010

It’s a Kang/Enero/Casler Movie Pajama Party for New Years Eve!
This picture was taken on my Droid.

NYE Family picture 2010.

Such a great way to start off the New Year! Sac Parent
featured me in their magazine!

You can read the online version HERE.
I feel so honored to be part of their magazine!