January 5, 2012

This is my favorite time of the day. The boys are all asleep. The house is clean. The dishwasher is stacked and the laundry is running. My husband is sitting beside me watching a Netflix movie online while I am typing with the Food Network quietly running in the background. It’s nearly silent.

And I love it.

I rarely get headaches – maybe one every two years. However, for the last few days, my head has been pounding from listening to the boys fight, Nicholas whine and the baby cry for food or a diaper change. Life has been incredibly busy. I’ve spent the entire week mainly at home, tending to the boys, putting away Christmas decorations, cleaning, cooking and trying to adapt with the new ‘new’ of having three kids under three years of age.

I’m not feeling too hot either.

I rarely go out. The thought of it brings feelings of guilt because my eldest sons are used to parks and play dates – stuff I have no time for right now. Even if I did, the thought of transferring three kids in and out of my vehicle seems like a tremendous chore I’d rather do without. So while it would be nice to leave for an hour alone to get a much needed massage or grocery shop, I’d rather stay at home and wait for the next cry to erupt.

In addition to those fears, I also have overwhelming thoughts when it comes to getting ready to go out. While my belly has gone down significantly, I obviously am not at my ‘starting pre-pregnancy weight’ after just two weeks of delivering. People often mock me when I disclose my physical insecurities; after all, my last pregnancies have proven that I lose baby weight fairly quickly.

Meeting high expectations isn’t new to me since I am the eldest daughter of four children. As a young girl, I was expected to be responsible, have good grades and be a good role model.  When I became a beauty queen, I was expected to look my best at all times and act appropriately in public. Now as a fitness enthusiast, I am expected to be in shape – especially after giving birth – and raise healthy children.

I hold myself at a higher standard because others expect a certain standard from me. If it wasn’t for other’s projection of me – I don’t know where I would be or more importantly, WHO I would be.

It’s always an interesting argument when you step back and question if ‘who you are’ is based upon your perception or other people’s perception of you.

I’ve been accused of holding my friend’s to higher expectations, loving past boyfriends for their potential and looking too positively into the future. I realize that while imposing these standards negates whatever negative reality is present at the moment, it is necessary to perceive a positive approach in our ever-changing, dynamic life. We will become what we think about all day, at the same time, when you have others thinking of the same positive result; it creates more life energy to manifest it. This is the power of intention, the power of attraction and the power of prayer.

What I have learned is how you perceive yourself and how others perceive you emits energy – so make sure your friends and your thoughts are both positive. As this New Year unveils, I pray that I am continuously aware of the power I hold within myself to control the thoughts that dictates my actions and creates my future.

So while recent days have been spent fatigued, fat and frumpy – I won’t allow those feelings overtake what is expected of me….or what I expect out of me. As each day surpasses I know my mind, body and spirit will adapt to this new ‘new’ and set my life ambitions in motion again.