January 31, 2012
The end of each day feels like a blur. It’s impossible to describe the chaos in raising three kids, 3 and under. If I’m not nursing Gabriel, I’m dividing my time with the other boys so they don’t feel neglected. We are drawing shapes, playing outside or reading books. Gone are my midday naps, evening workouts, and recreational books. The earliest I can get on this computer each day is 11pm when the boys are sleeping.
While it’s easy to get lost in the weight of my responsibilities, I choose not to think about it. I’ve learned that thinking too much is just that….too much. It’s easier to live when your mind is quiet and you move without chatter. Attaining and preserving a peaceful and still mind helps me utilize my instincts and not my internal chaos to direct my life’s compass.
Of course, stating you want a peaceful mind is much easier than seeking it….This morning I felt stressed by the short period time I had to perform work duties before tending to all the kids. In addition to work stress, I was experiencing challenging communications with other people. I was impatient with the kids, abrasive with David and harsh to anyone I spoke to via phone. I was mad –
I didn’t know where that aggressive energy came from. It may have started with a harsh email I received or a checkbook I couldn’t locate. It may have implanted from an unfriendly phone conversation or a pain in my neck from nursing every night. Whatever it was – at 10am I knew I couldn’t operate with this hostile energy for the rest of the day.
Even though I had exchanged some mean words because I felt ignored by David, I humbly said, “I don’t know what’s going on with me today. I feel so angry inside…like there’s a fire in me.”
He responded, “I know, that’s why I’m avoiding talking to you!”
In that moment, I knew I needed to clear my mind – breathe – and not make any motion until I centered myself. I didn’t press ‘send’ to an irritating reply email. I didn’t return any calls. I waited until this energy passed – because I knew that any action stemming from this fury would spread like a negative disease and I wanted it to end right there.
There have been several times in my life when I realized how important it was to be ‘still’ at moments when all you want to do is take action – in any direction – out of anger, fear and pride. What I know to be certain is that with any action, there’s a reaction, and I don’t want this force to be born from a chaotic mind.
There are parents who mistreat their kids because of their anger.
There are wives who mistreat their husbands because of their stress.
There are people who mistreat others because of their insecurity.
I don’t want to transfer negative energy – I want to be the landing ground where it stops.
This is my truth and my goal every day….to be ‘still’, to pray for peace and to find tranquility in a world where chaos breeds.
In the end – I erased my reply email. I left a kind voice message removing someone of a $400 invoice.
However, I didn’t apologize to David…but he knew I inadvertently did when I admitted to my poor attitude. – and when I kiss him after I finish this journal entry.