moments of spiritual reconciliation

October 18, 2005

October 17, 2005

It is 11:30am, Monday, and I’m sitting in Louis office eating egg whites and tuna. Ive been staring at the screen for about thirty minutes (as I usually do) trying to figure out what happened this week because a lot happened- I can feel that something happened because my body feels sore, my mind feels tired, my dreams feels too vivid and my life feels changed?

This weekend I attended the Olympia in Vegas. Wow! These people were in amazing form: I saw people I read about, modeled against and looked up to. An extreme energy of competitive shows, sugar free protein bars, beautiful fitness models, humongous bodybuilders, delicious restaurants, and of course, a little bit of alcohol intoxicated the noisy city of Las Vegas.

On Saturday morning I received a painful phone call that my cousin, Michael Greenway passed away in a car accident. He was only 20 years old. That morning, as I laid in bed tearing up from the realization that life ended another cycle. I whispered to Louis, that I was always sad growing up because of moments like this

These are the moments when life stops and you are frozen in time when you see things you didn’t see before and you reconcile your personal spirit and align it with the spirit of life. This is the balance that you achieve for a brief period because something has changed something awoke your consciousness something made you realize that you are living in the prison of your body, a body that allows you to become limited as to what you can and cannot do right now, a piece of me wishes that I didn’t feel the pain, the discomfort, or even the pleasure of a physical body because it distracts me from recognizing the resilient soul that breeds inside of me.

A piece of me wished I was wherever Michael was.

I attended the Olympia Expo on two separate days, the first day was on Friday, and the second day was on Saturday. On Saturday, when I peered out into the crowds of people, instead of seeing the hard bodies, the beautiful bodies, even the faces and clothing of onlookers and watchers. I instead saw the combat spirits of competitors who revealed their spirit by creating physiques that were super-natural in form. I saw the vulnerable spirits of people who sought inspiration from people who were able to bring to life their internal fighter.

There is an internal fighter that breeds within all of us waiting to make itself visible at the right moments and given the right battle, and the right amount of pressure, you will see a piece of yourself that you didn’t know existed.

And as I sit here, physically tired, mentally drained and emotionally exhausted I know that it is my spirit that helped me write this journal helped me get lost in the depth-ness of my mind to discover the universal lessons that is achieved in both the good and bad experiences of what makes like imperfect but beautiful.

Life is a chosen struggle but when you allow yourself to struggle, you also allow your spirit to take physical form just like the bodybuilders I witnessed this weekend, and just like the spirit that left Michael’s body the struggle will bring strength, to those who endure it, and it will also distribute strength to those who watch at the sidelines.

..I just finished the small bowl of food containing only protein, and I already feel uncomfortably full.. I knew it. Something has changed.