When I’m ready to zone out, lately I’ve been turning to bad reality TV. For some reason, watching MTV reminds me of my younger years bingeing on “Real World”, “Road Rules” and my fascination with “Teen Moms” – OG of course, because I seemingly only catch the first season to everything – especially now, as a busy mom with absolutely no free time.
I slept 12 hours this past Sunday. Came home after an entire day filled with baseball games, work and events and fell quickly in a coma at 8pm on a Saturday night. So much for yester-years when 10pm was when my girlfriend picked me up to go dancing or when my husband made reservations for a date night. Date Night? Last time we dated was when he stole me on my birthday last year and whisked me on an impromptu trip to New York. Now that was amazing.
So I was watching Jersey Shore and could not stop thinking of how incredibly sad it was to see Ronnie heartbroken (still) over his on/off again girlfriend, Sammie, who he met on the show several years ago. Keep in mind, I only watched pieces of the first season but I get the storyline. He drunkingly confessed that it was hard to see something not workout with someone you spent years investing in (it wasn’t that articulate, but he said something to that effect).
It was a poignant thought, a feeling many can relate to, after all, I believe many of us loved someone deeply before marrying our forever boyfriends (or girlfriends).
For myself, I fell in love with someone around the time I found my love for fitness. As a new trainer, he was the ‘top gun’ as my fitness manager would put it, because he had the largest clientele and came from a military background. The attraction wasn’t immediate – in good ol’ fashion Maria style, it took me a while to get to know this charming, charismatic and confident colleague. When we finally met mutual eyes, I was committed. We were together for years. He saw me graduate college, compete in pageants and land my first photoshoot. He helped me move to San Francisco and despite the make ups and break ups – he told me he would always pray for me and my happiness.
I loved him, not just because I was infatuated with his strong presence and successful track record. I loved him because I fought really, really hard to be with him. It was like oil and water, fire and ice, Ronnie and Sammie… we were two young egos, that understood love in controlling, fearful, insecure and passionate ways.
I remember one day moving back home, telling him I was ready to settle down – that I wanted to get married, have kids and plan a future. In that moment, he said he wasn’t ready, at least not with me, and to seek someone else.
It was a pivotal moment in my life.
I realized I didn’t need to let go of him, I had to let go of the idea of him…all of the dreams and everything invested these last several years needed to be put into a category of ‘crappy but important lessons learned.’
I came to terms that loving someone who didn’t fully love me was a reflection of my deepest insecurities. Why was I not enough? Why was I settling for someone who didn’t value me?
I learned that loving someone – truly loving someone – was letting them go. I let Go and I let God. I didn’t know where I was headed but I prayed nightly for my future husband to find me. I wrote down 50 qualities I wished for (i.e. must love dogs, loves my family, has a sense of humor, wants a lot of kids, likes to travel…)
I sought his energy and knew that in order to draw him closer, I needed to resonate at his level – and he at mine.
I don’t believe you ever stop loving someone.
I believe you can forever love, pray and hope for many people.
Young love is a fantastical period in one’s life. Every summer there’s a new movie depicting the vibrant years of discovering who you are in reflection to someone who is also discovering who they are. You want to love, but you don’t know how to love. You experience love, but the same love betrays you, hurts you, suffocates you and divides you. This endless journey doesn’t end with young lovers, it continues through marriage and beyond. Even when I thought I found my happily-ever-after, I became disillusioned years ago, only to rediscover my truths once again.
There is a path meant for you, there is a purpose chosen for you and there is an imperfect partner who will be perfect for you. I believe in that. I believe wherever your energy goes, the love will flow and you will grow. Let Go of your Ronnies and Sammies and Let God do his work.
Write down your desires. Pray for those you’ve loved but pray harder for those to come…
As it is written, so shall it be.