August 18, 2021

What would you do, if you didn’t care what other people thought? If you posted and didn’t care how many likes you got? Or if you created something and didn’t care if anyone acknowledged it? How would it feel to not care?

I go about my days so operationally – so abundantly – knowing that I’m just checking shit off my list. I’m efficient. I’m a fixer. I get stuff done.

But how “woke” am I in this daily grind? I’m not talking about the fake ‘woke’ used to describe people who pretend they know more about everyone and everything else. I’m talking about being consciously aware that I wake up daily and am extremely automated. I don’t even know why I do the things I do…I just do it.

I brush my teeth. I put on makeup. I drop the kids to school. I work. I work out. I run errands. I walk my dog. I read. I put on face cream. And then I do it all again the next day.

Of course, not every day looks like that. It’s always filled with me reacting to certain things…whether it’s an issue at the care home, my kids are fighting, I have my period, there’s soccer practice, I need to buy a birthday gift or do dialysis for my mother – whatever.

It’s all the same busy-ness. It’s the same shit, different day.

Then there’s my social media, which nowadays I don’t post or forget to post. I feel disconnected from my followers, mostly because – I don’t know why they follow me. I’m boring. But I’m not. I’m supposed to talk about fitness, but I’m not doing anything spectacular in fitness. A push up is a push up. It hasn’t changed in thousands of years, yet everyone is posting different, incredible ways to build a chest when they should really be capitalizing and performing the basic push up.

I’m bored online. Bored in person. Bored in my interactions.

Of course, there are things that happen around me…right now, there’s fires all around CA. The sun was fire orange when I dropped the kids this morning. People are fleeing Afghanistan. Covid is STILL here. Just like the small “fires” I put out and react to daily, some of these pains are just that, a painful part of life and this existence. It’s what we focus on and how we process the pain, that matters.

My stepdaughter is excited. She found a good balance as she’s finally stable after years of unknowingness. My niece left out of state for college. They are enjoying the NOW. They are excited for new things to come and mundane activities with people they enjoy being around. I remember that age.  How wonderful it is – to get lost in life. Exploring the unknown. Being fascinate with what is NEW.

And that right there is what I’m lacking. NEW. This is not desired energy where I need a new car, a new husband, or need to redecorate my house or go on a vacation. I’m lacking a new perspective – a new hope – a new ambition.

I’m bored with this. All of this.