September 29, 2011
The house is finally in its last stretch in coming together. The new furniture has arrived, the frames have been hung, the clothes have been sorted and my office is complete. My life has become more organized and my routines are taking shape again. I’m not stressed, tired or irritated. I’m actually a little bored.
Sometimes I wish movies and television entertained me. Besides the handful of times I’ve played ‘Pacman’ in my life, I’ve never enjoyed video games. I get bored with living a monotonous life. My life’s excitement rests on planning and projects. There isn’t a time in my life when I wasn’t fixated on some type of goal.
So while today was a busy day filled with babysitting, appointments, paperwork, meetings, errands and a pregnancy glucose test (which I am sitting at right now) – I still find myself incredibly bored.
When emotions of anxiousness, fatigue, stress, fear and excitement don’t infiltrate my days, I feel bored, not depressed – but darn close to it. I would hate to compare my mountainous emotions with that of an addict, but it would be closely accurate. I seek ‘highs’ in my life and when I’m not in the process of working towards a goal, regardless of how hard and arduous it may be, then I find myself lost, low and left with mediocrity in my life.
Like any creative artist – we get addicted to the ‘flow’ creation brings us. When I used to compete, I detested training twice a day and eating the same bland meals. When the competition was over, I was elated and relieved…but always felt mildly depressed in the weeks after.
Whenever I complete an arduous task – whether it’s a college degree, a large event or even a simple online journal entry…I always complain in the process, am excited when it is finished, but am left looking for another thing ‘to do’ on my goal list out of fear of …I don’t know what.
I don’t like using the word ‘depressed’ – because I don’t think I’m a depressed person. I don’t like saying I fear ‘mediocrity’ – because I know that idea doesn’t affect me.
Like any human being, my basic need is to seek pleasure and avoid pain. In this case, constantly creating lengthy goal lists brings me both pleasure and pain.
That’s the dichotomy of life.
Climbing a mountain is painful – but the process in reaching the top is pleasurable.
My new office is almost finished!