November 5, 2011
In March 2005 I started this site on a “website tonight” godaddy account. I remember creating five distinct pages in my favorite colors of pink and green.
It wasn’t much.
I had an introduction, bio, gallery, poetry and journal page. In less than two hours, I started building an online home for my deepest thoughts, ambitions and fears. I didn’t have a single reader, nor did I care. At 23 years old, I had a burning desire to express a passion inside of me.
I won’t ever forget that time of my life.
I was going through a ‘mid-twenties’ crisis, when I realized that I had built a ‘successful’ life through my education, profession, world travels and competitions. Outwardly, I had the most ideal existence for a young woman living independently in a large city – but inwardly, I was struggling to unmask who I was and what truly made me happy.
I still struggle with ideas of happiness.
Since my last journal entry, we have moved to a bigger house, bought a nicer vehicle and purchased more appliances, electronics and decorative items. While having more things makes most people happy – it has always made me more anxious. Mentally, I never wanted to have more because having more creates some emotional and physical dependency. I also don’t get thrills in purchasing large items as it makes me realize that more stuff equals more problems.
Today I met with an old friend, Dan Thompson, who is a chaplain and creator of the first fitness board game. While supervising my children playing in the park, I updated him on the many changes that had occurred since we last spoke nearly a year ago. As a spiritual man who has seen me evolve, out of nowhere I said, “It’s hard to live sometimes realizing that all of this means nothing.” Dan looked at me with agreeing eyes knowing instinctively that I yearned to center my physical being with my spiritual self.
While each day is busy with obligations, work, tasks and routine – and while each thought is influenced by ego to desire more, achieve more and create more…I know intuitively that in the end, having a large home, driving a nice car, owning expensive things are beholding a beautiful body doesn’t create true and sustaining happiness.
What has always made me genuinely happy – is being at peace with my meager existence and creating a space in time when I lived and serviced this world.
When I created this site six years ago, it was before the popularity of social websites and online blogs. I didn’t expect to see my readership grow or intend to continue writing as long as I have. Who would’ve predicted this young, ambitious girl to become a mother, a wife and a business owner. This site has documented the incredible professional, personal and most importantly, spiritual growth I’ve experienced in my twenties.
Similar to the simple site I initially created, followed by the last most familiar version Louis created in late 2006 – I am renewing my website because I have transformed and it has transformed with me.
Thank you for following me all these years. God Bless.