July 12, 2007
I was at a private political fundraising event tonight and am
admittedly still buzzed after sipping on a nice collection of wines and
consuming delicious salmon cakes. I was in a lively room full of
senators, assemblymen, lobbyists and business folks. As always, I still
wonder how I get myself into these atmospheres…
Since I am slightly intoxicated right now, I have to be completely honest.
I have been very, very, very distracted and busy lately.
I usually post entries on Monday but have been so overwhelmed with the
new people and events in my life that its been incredibly hard to
articulately expel anything of real significance.
Not that I feel that my journal entries spark much awareness
I just feel like I always have to be on sometimes.okay, maybe MOST of the time.
Right now, I feel an uncomfortable level of social responsibility and high expectations from close people. Growing up Ive always felt a self-imposed perfection that I could never, ever live up to. Because of my unrealistic expectations, I most often, and still do, feel like I lack value and sense of true accomplishment.
While Ive achieved what I once considered success, I still have yet to achieve what I find true success. which is a sense of identity and apprehension of who I really am.
Its a terrible feeling to look at yourself and not feel good enough,
pretty, enough, fit enough its hard to look into the eyes of people
who supposedly love you and still feel like you are reflecting a person
you don’t believe is truly yourself…
While we have many judges in life the only entity I allow judgment over me is God.
Bottom line (and I say this phrase often) is that you are the only
person who has to live with the decisions you make. I have found a lot
of people who treat others with disrespect and dishonor because they
have a need to impose on others what they feel inside themselves.
Today and always, I seek out friends who recognize their God within.
When I am surrounded by loving, forgiving and peaceful souls, I absorb that loving energy
When I am surrounded by vindictive, sorrowful, lonely souls, my spirit
tries earnestly hard to attack that negative energy
Right now, my spirit is briefly challenged by the latter.
Tonight I just came off of a high from a fun, social environment and am
now sitting in the mediocre middle of a somber environment. In truth,
my current burdens are influencing my narrow outlook as I finish this
I know this not a perfect entry. This humble acceptance reflects the
imperfect person I admittedly accept myself to be. Knowing
this single truth leads me to daily know, love, and acquaint myself
with the spirit deep within myself for that inner awareness is where
life conceives, where love breeds and where God originates.
When you start seeing the divine spirit hidden inside of you the
judgmental energy that drapes your superficial existence starts to lack
significance and right now, despite what Ill regret when I read this
tomorrow morning, I
know that while admitting the constant need to seek that higher
divinity because of my imperfection is a vulnerable outward prayer
truth, that deep seeded desire to understand, know and love more…is
the prayer I take with me each night before I go to sleep.
Camera phone shot outside 1015 Folsom with Boryna! We saw Paul Oakenfield that night.
Sunset after a beach run in Ocean Beach, San Francisco!
Baker Beach with Barbie. I ate a delicious chocolate cookie that day! Without guilt!
It was a busy, busy day at the beach!
4th of July in San Francisco! The fireworks soooo preettyy!!
Check out my newest podcast with Mona Liza Reyes (below!) It was soo much fun conversing with her!
Check out her myspace here! She is so awesome!