December 19, 2005

This past week my youngest sister graduated from college, my niece had her 3rd birthday, we had a new fitness club opening in Piedmont and an old friend, Jean Carls died at the age of 94.

I met Jean three years ago when I assisted in her during a visitation to the doctors and I can still vividly remember her talking with her physician and expressing how she didn’t understand why she was still living and how depressed she felt every day: after-all, she couldn’t walk, write, read or cook she was now trapped in a body that was no longer serving her.

On the way home from the doctor I conversed with her about her life and about my life. I told her that there had to be a reason why she still existed…. why she was still present on earth- and that even though her life seemingly felt worthless, if that was the case, then we would be breaking one of the universal laws of this world: for everything was designed for a purpose. I managed to visit her a couple times a year and write her at least three times a year.

I can’t believe she’s gone. I can’t believe my cousin, Michael, is gone. I can’t believe my old childhood dog, Chu Chu, is gone. I feel very sensitive to the boundaries of both worlds right now.

Seeing my sister graduate, watching my niece blow out her birthday candle: all these milestones in life happening at once, all at once. That is what life is about.

The other week, while I was enthusiastically telling a work companion, Tony Riccardi, about my newest projects he asked me why? What drove me to become so passionate about life? And the one answer I could give him was that my passion was fueled from my childhood fears of death. And then he questioned whether I saw someone die, or experienced the death of a loved one when I was younger and I realized that I hadn’t.

However, as a little girl I was very sensitive to my surroundings. I realized early on that the moment we are born: we begin to die. As a little girl, I observed how everything in this world dies a little every day. While I didn’t see a human die, I instinctively knew that I didn’t have to see death in order to experience it. When I was little I felt death in my heart every time I fell in love with a flower and witness it wilt or when I watched new leaves grow in the Spring and watched old leaves wither in the Fall. I felt pain when I watched a loved one move away or when my mother had a stroke. I know death each day when life experiences become memories and future dreams become present realities. While we can’t always see death…death and birth surround us every second this continuous circle of existence is Life.

What pains me today is watching people even watching myself at times living without purpose. There is an underlying meaning as to why your soul was manifested in your individual body. There is a reason why everything in your life exists as it is. There is a reason why you are reading this.

Tonight I am going to say a prayer and dedicate all my prayers this week before I sleep to each person who reads this page. I pray that we create a potent force inside our hearts: to find ardent meaning inside our existence: to become re-born inside the dreams we choose to achieve and to love life with all our hearts, minds and souls.

Thank you Jean for existing. Your presence made a difference to me.