Frozen in time

August 6, 2008

August 5, 2008

My weekend was so busy I didn’t even have time to take pictures! It began on Friday afternoon
after I arrived in Santa Clara to judge the National American Miss
pageant. I judged 3 divisions of over 180 girls ranging from ages 5
-15. It was great to see young girls participate in a challenging event
that tested their public speaking, poise and presentation skills.

The girls were not displayed in swimsuits, didn’t wear make-up and were
marked down for inappropriate clothing for their age. The winners was
not always the prettiest, the skinniest or most stylish the winners
were the girls who had the most confidence, the best stage presence and
the most genuine desire to be there and represent girls of her age

Right now I’m preparing to take a Zumba dance class at 7pm, pack for a
trip to Mississippi and finalize documents I need to send out before I
leave. I am also saving documents on my laptop to prepare me to write
articles during flight changes and/or delays.

These days Ive been feeling a mild sense of peace yet intense need for preparation.
However, at the same time, due to fatigue, I take a nap each day and
feel less engaged with the projects I have. The biggest feeling I have
is the knowingness that I’m undergoing a huge state of transition  – a place where I’m no longer just living for myself.

I’m realizing a mental reality where I m no longer an independent being. I
am linking my life’s ambitions, my professional goals and family
aspirations with somebody else. Each day, I feel more mentally,
physically and spiritually connected with David. There is a joint,
healthy co-dependency I’m beginning to develop; a feeling Ive never
explored with anyone else.

Not only am I growing spiritually, but each day I am also growing
physically as I watch my belly grow little by little.
The other day after awaking, I felt a small flutter in my lower abdomen.
For ten short seconds, I felt my consciousness divide between being
awake and asleep. All of a sudden, I knew instinctively that my baby
was moving. According to research, he/she is now 5.5 inches and can now
yawn, make facial expressions and stretch.

Like the young girls who competed this past weekend, I was once that young girl

who matured early, was precocious at speaking and writing, and became
responsible, independent and ambitious at a young age. Now after years in my young adulthood trying to find my individual spirit, I am again redefining who I believed myself to once be

Sometimes I feel like I’m frozen in time almost shocked by the
surreal reality of my life’s present events.  Most of the time, I have
a hard time expressing how I feel

I feel timeless.

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Journal Pictures: August 5, 2008

Taken last week after the gym. (I am kinda sticking it out here) I’m 18 weeks pregnant this week.

First ultrasound at 11 weeks. The baby was sooo small and active. We will know the sex in a couple weeks!