January 9, 2007

As the weekend began approaching last week, I began receiving inquiries as to what my plans were…and usually they’re pretty stacked with engagements. However, this past weekend was one to put in my personal history books. I literally lived in my pajamas for over 2 days. On Saturday I woke up at 5pm and on Sunday I woke up at 1pm (to pick my parents up from the train station, go dress shopping while waiting and church later that evening…then I went back to bed!)  If you can imagine a car going a million miles a minute and finally crashing in a final effort to stop…that was me this weekend.

I needed to stop.

All my conversations starting around Wednesday, lasted for about 2 minutes before I cut the talk short to say: “I’m so sorry. But I’m in a seriously angry mood right now. I don’t know what it is, but if I stay on the phone, I will probably end up saying something I will most likely regret. So if you don’t mind, I need to call you back when this feeling passes.” Not only was I short on the phone, but when I received emails or messages from people that weren’t ‘straight forward’ or ‘to the point’ – it made me livid, and I had to write a response asking them to re-write their emails so I can easily understand the message without having to think too hard.

Honestly, on a daily basis, I’m not a really mean person. But I am a person nonetheless. I don’t pretend to be perfect, and I would really hate to be the epitome and model of ‘what a person should be like’ because just like everyone else, I go through emotional cycles.

In revisiting an old journal entry – I realize even more that this effort to ‘slow down’ is a continuous challenge that will reintroduce itself many more times throughout my lifetime. We all have internal ‘natures’ that loom within us – we all have patterns that have dictated our life story up to this point…it’s so important to understand your weaknesses but also capitalize on your strengths. Most often than not, your weaknesses and strengths are both symbolized by the same word.

One of my strengths is my persistence to get things done…but my weakness is also that persistence sometimes leads me down routes I should’ve stopped trekking a long time ago.

One of my strengths is my perfectionism in my work…but my weakness is also my inability to believe anything I do is ‘ever good enough’.

There are 2 sides to every single coin – the key is to balance those two faces without allowing yourself to drop….This past weekend I dropped.

I dropped because my life engine needed to refuel. In order for me to be a better friend, sister, daughter, team player…I needed time to allow my body and brain to rest. I was reaching points when I became so protective of the little energy that I had left, that as I result, I became more contentious around people without realizing my subtle yet hostile actions. This past week, I knew it was reaching boiling points, and to be fair to everyone around me, I noted this internal challenge…and by recognizing it, I became honest with them and myself.

You absolutely cannot give if you aren’t giving yourself the most minimal needs to keep your ‘life machine’ functioning at its optimum best. If you are not fueling it with healthy foods and clean water, not moving it with agile and efficiency, and not allowing it to rest with upkeep and rejuvenation….then you are not truly serving other people because your ability to deliver is not its best.

In order to give, you have to give the very best of you…and not what’s left of you. Happy 2nd week of 2007!

Journal Pictures: January 9, 2007

I love our team! Sam, Briana and Doc holding onto a moment when we’re not
in workout clothes! Here we are in SF after a meeting.

Tonight we celebrated my Lolo’s 78th!!
My grandfather is a retired Philippine Ambassador.

There was sooo much food! I only ate tofu, veggies and shrimp!

Thought
I would take a really ‘out there’ picture I bought the big green
ring in highschool and put it on spontaneously this morning to match my
sweater – the other ring is Christine’s ring, given by Edgar for
Christmas! (Just wanted to wear it for fun!) I have a super small pinky!