an identity shift

February 18, 2009

February 17, 2009

I can’t remember the last time I felt beautiful. I’m talking fixing my hair, wearing a great outfit and going somewhere where I felt vivacious, young and alive.  Most
days my hair is pulled back in a pony tail and headband. My clothes
cycle between various workout pants and I’m usually applying makeup
while simultaneously feeding Christian.

While my friends and sister had grand plans for Valentine’s Day, we didn’t plan much.  Saturday
was a bit rainy, so we were limited as to what we could do. After
preparing David a festive breakfast, we visited five care homes to
deliver Valentine’s cookies.  Afterwards, we walked Tiger then read some books at Borders.  At that point, Christian became more agitated, so we went home and proceeded to watch some television.  

David suggested we order pizza the first time in our relationship when we actually ordered pizzaand I said sure.’ In my heart, I felt a tinge of disappointment.  I
wanted to do something great I wanted to feel beautiful, go out to a
romantic dinner, receive a romantic gift but I also knew it would be
impossible with the baby and especially with the lack of planning. A
million thoughts ran through my head: I wondered how life would be from
this point forwardI… wondered if I’d ever feel vibrant again…sometimes
I felt undeserving of wanting more when I momentarily lacked gratitude
for the simple stuff I was receiving at that moment. 

I felt sad.

This past month has been an emotional rollercoaster more than anything, I feel like my sense of identity has shifted.  I think about the monotony of what my life has become lately…waking, feeding, eating, watching TV, running errands and sleeping.  While
it’s joyous to see my little son grow and smile each day, I fully admit
my psychology has always detested too much routine. While having a child brings temporary routine and is a beautiful change…change is hard regardless if it’s good or bad.

Before David arrived home, I gathered all the candles in our house and lit
them on top of our living room table. With the lights off, he walked in
surprised and in awe of the small yet significant gesture that made our
night truly romantic.

I started to cry as I read my card to him, I didn’t feel sad or happy. I just felt like the world inside of me was shifting. Life won’t always be like this. We won’t always have our first Valentine’s with Christian or our first pizza over candlelight

Life will shift again I know in my heart that these simple yet significant moments are what memories are made of.

Journal Pictures: February 17, 2009

a heart-filled breakfast made by yours truly!

I loved the simplicity of this card…
. heart has found a home!

this wasn’t planned – but we had pizza over candlelight for our Valentines dinner.

I had two Valentines!
Check out his gorgeous smile! (try to disregard the view of my boobs! LOL)