April 1, 2009
I didn’t want to work out this morning.
After the gym I was eager to pick up our local paper to see my Mom-ME! Fitness club featured. It
While I’ve been blessed with many recent accomplishments, the overall somber feeling I’ve experienced these past couple days hasn’t wavered. My inability to be content stems from a deep rooted ‘flaw’ in my personality. My personality has always been very goal-oriented. As soon as I hit a goal, I rejoice for a good twelve minutes, then soon ask
This feeling reminds me of the time I was driving home alone from L.A. after my last fitness competition. I was snacking on candy, drinking a mocha and feeling a sense of extreme achievement for placing Top 5 in two national contests. After a period of time, I felt a strong feeling of sadness. For the last few months I was a machine: I trained every day, ate the same breakfast, lunch and dinner I had laser-like focus on the end goal of competing
I started thinking about what my day would look like tomorrow. I thought
I started moving away from myself’ and in the process of moving away, I began moving closer to ‘chaos.’ I wasn’t experiencing internal daily satisfactions, I didn’t daydream of upcoming tomorrow’s…I wasn’t eyeing the scale for progress or measuring my jeans for more wiggle room. I was living in a complacent mind where my world was not dictated by desire.
Desire is the first emotion required when beginning a goal. However, in order to desire something, you must first absorb your psyche with a level of discontentment. In essence, chaos is most often needed in order for you to eventually settle’ into your new sense of self.
These past few months I’ve desired so many things: I wanted to create a
Now that I’ve accomplished my short term goals I’m in lingo creating new
Life is about chasing your dreams –
…..dreams that are dictated by your desire to defy discontentment.
Journal Pictures: March 31, 2009