October 3, 2005
I visited my family this weekend…and for any of you who has ever left home understands: it is always a battle whenever you go back to a place you thought you left behind.
When I say the phrase: “thought you left behind…” I mean that while I physically left Sacramento when I decided to move away two years ago…in truth, my family and my hometown of Sacramento still lives with me every day in my heart and in my mind. It is difficult because there are still unresolved issues that pushed me to leave…pushed me to compete…pushed me to be involved in fitness or charities…My conscious childhood is the number one reason why I write so much today.
While I layed in bed lastnight, (as I usually did as a child) – with my door closed and upset at my mother…while I petted my dog, I began to feel comfort. I began to feel my dog’s energy. Ever since I can remember I always had a dog…I used to walk the dog when I was sad, dance with the dog when I was happy, pet the dog when I was lonely and sleep with the dog when I needed a loving energy. I always wondered about the minds of animals…and what separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom. I realized that our mind and ability to make decisions according to our “Free Will” is the defining asset we possess that other animals do not have. Our minds can create and obliterate our world’s natural gifts. What I always found captivating about my relationship with my dogs…is that they always knew when I was sad, they loved it when I was happy and they supported me when I was hurt.
When you are close to things …you are giving them a piece of your energy… a piece of your light. When something alters inside of you…something is altered inside of that thing because when you are highly dependent because of the love you emanate and receive towards other things, when their energy dwindles, you can also sense your own survival being threatened…that is our animal instinct…
You see this happen all the time: when a husband or wife dies and the other one soon follows…you see it when you move to a different city and your original ‘friends’ slowly let go…you see it when you are not as happy in your work environment and your ‘performance’ is altering the success of the company. Every Single living thing lives and breeds off of other living things. As much as we crave Independence, in order to survive, we have to balance our independence by being dependent on other things. People will use each other for money, for beauty, for social validation…people will connect because of fun, fear and pleasure. The bigger fish will eat the little fish, yet the little fish needs the bigger fish in order to survive: that is our human culture of exploitation.
The most important thing to look out for whenevever you seek a ‘support’ environment: is to seek a place where love is the guiding energy…because Love is the energy that never dies. Even if the person, place or thing changes and becomes altered…the loving presence that thing gave you will always live on.
My childhood in Sacramento breeds in me: all the love, pain, happiness and fears in my parent’s home haunt and help me on a daily basis. But it was the energy of comfort, affection and support from the the ‘things’ I resonated with, that gave me continuous courage and positive reflections as I sailed my vessel alone, in the depths of my own mind.