August 7, 2006
This weekend was Louis’ 26th birthday.
I made him a time consuming card, baked him 3 personalized birthday cakes and besides taking him to Napa Valley where we enjoyed a balloon ride, wineries and Mexican food, I also got him a new fun toy for his computer.
Right now I am experiencing a transitional level in my personal life cycle – a few weeks ago I went to so many lectures, read so many books, watched so many documentaries, but right now I’m in a state of inaction. I can’t read or consume any more information, nor expel anything through some form of creativity…right now, I can’t even write!
Understanding your life patterns is important – observing the ways you personally develop is key to unlocking your power to really create a journey that taps into your strengths and improves on your weaknesses.
A few weeks ago, I took a vacation from ‘myself’
– I stopped allowing to unconsciously live a life dictated on habits and patterns
– I stopped training daily at the gym, I stopped writing in my daily journal and I stopped planning each week meticulously.
Honestly, it made me depressed. It made me feel lost and frustrated. There were no external expectations, no personal rules to follow and no obligations to be anything or anyone to any person – not even myself – boy, that took a lot of pressure off~!
While this should be a time of comfort – it is very uncomfortable allowing yourself to own the habits of ‘someone else’. When you take away the titles, the clothes, the history and the expectations …it’s like you become naked to the world and the truth of your being…y0ou begin to realize that you are you because of expectations you imposed on yourself due to your environment and the ‘things’ in your life that symbolize pieces of who you think you are.
I felt ‘exposed’ to my personal weakness, I listened to my mind every day wanting to habitually ‘think’ or ‘act’ through a chemistry I created in my mind and body through years of training it to be driven, disciplined, determined and ‘perfect.’
I consciously gave a little less, held back a little more…did everything a little less ‘perfect’ than I normally would. It challenged me to be accepting of everything because regardless of what ‘I’ thought- whatever I did, whatever I looked like, whatever my days consisted of, it would all be ‘perfect’ because I accepted it as so.
Right now there are so many things I want to do – so many things I want to see progress and yet I have to also revere each new day as if it is exactly where I want to be. That is hard to want more and yet respectively accept your current conditions.
In this moment of naked reality, I realize more than ever that happiness, love and life is a timeless feeling of constantly living in the present…living in the ‘now’ and being consciously aware every day that it doesn’t matter what your physical world consists of being able to control your mind to positively accept and think of progressive thoughts, is a power and a prestige that only a person of personal
mastery can achieve.
I am challenged today – but by uncovering the truths behind my conscious weaknesses, my hope is to be a true master of myself one day.