November 8, 2005
Ever since I was a little girl I used to cry at night wondering why I lived wondering why I was even born. I became conscious about my existence at a very young age, and ever since then, Ive been searching for an answer each day still wondering why I exist.
Tonight as I was drawing on a piece of paper while talking to Louis on the phone, I began sketching flowers, rainbows, Christmas presents, planets I started drawing things that I never even saw before, stuff I never perceived with the naked eye
And I realize that while there are things I haven’t seen, it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist. When I was little there were many painful things I saw, that I wanted to believe wasn’t real- there were cruel sides of people I experienced, that I wanted to believe wasn’t truly them, there are still vulnerable perceptions of myself today, that I want to believe isn’t me.
Today as I see the circle of life bring new life and new death while I can see a flower wither, an apple rot and a person depart this life, I want to believe that there was a reason why that thing, that creature, that person came to life.
When I see childhood videos of me singing on swings and picking flowers during play time, I realize that it was my Conscious Perceptions in the pure and innocent eyes of a child that allowed me to unfold an endless imagination of love and beauty it was the perfection of a flower, the vastness of the ocean, the love of my mother and the beauty of the worlds natural gifts that made me believe that something more existed passed what I could physically grasp.
By identifying and witnessing the balance between the ugly realism of what life presented and the beautiful idealism of what life naturally created – I was provided Perfect Focus when I drew pictures and wrote poetry as a young, creative, child…..but more than just a creative child, I became a ‘dreamer’. And because I never lost my ‘vision’….I am still dreaming today.
The death of my childhood dog Chu-Chu, my fathers parents, my Lolo’s brother and sisters, Paul’s mother, Louis’ great grandfather, Erick’s best friend Gloria, Ruth’s husband Art, and the most recent death of my cousin Michael.all the people who died on Sept. 11th, all the people in the Tsunami, in Hurricane Katrina, in the Earthquakes in Asia…all those who die from AIDS, from Cancer, from accidents.why? My heart cries inside this burning question.
I feel an intense need to reconcile this childhood pain of my mortality of everyone’s mortality – in my existence today. I firmly believe that everyone possesses in-born talents, a gift – a contribution to this world. Everyone owns an individual spirit that hides a beauty and a secret about this world