June 12, 2008
Its late Wednesday night and I finally mustered up some time to do some deep thinking. My hair
is wet from a late shower, there are three little kids having a slumber party on my floor, and my eyelids are ready to drop any moment now.
We came back from a bachelorette/bachelor party in Vegas this weekend.
It was a great opportunity to become closer to the bridal party and
both my sisters. I feel so blessed to have 2 sisters I am very close to….most of our
fondest moments include us sarcastically remarking about each others
lives, talking dramatically about our boyfriends and laughing
hysterically at our personal stories on work, love and drama.
A total of 4 kids make up our close-knit family, in which we all exist
only one year apart. I am the eldest girl and second child. This past
weekend, we were celebrating the upcoming nuptials of the middle girl:
Christine Kang, who also happens to be the mother of the kids sleeping
below me right now.
While the weekend was fun it was also a very tiring weekend for me as well. David and I arrived a couple days earlier so that we can do some things alone (since the guys and girls split once the party weekend began). As usual, we
enjoyed our time spent together as we often love going on long drives
and scenic hiking trails. However, while we often portray a couple who
are compatible and loving…we also naturally argue and have
disagreements. These past few weeks Ive found myself arguing
more consistently with him. It starts with a small comment, escalates
to a loud discussion, switches to an angry argument and then ends with
me emotionally closing down and walking away.
In these past few weeks, Ive become more aware of the opposing
energies that make up the woman I am. Every time David and I argue,
there is a significant sense of sadness in my soul. In
the past, I thought it was because he wasn’t fulfilling something
essential within me – and that made me lash out and impose on him what
was reflected in me. In my worst moments, I felt resentful, angry and
But the more I targeted him, the more I loss power to create the change within myself.
For it wasn’t David who needed to change, the first person who needed
to change was me. When I talked late Saturday night with my sister in
Vegas about my concerns, she encouraged me to take a good look in the
mirror. While I had valid points, the one point I left out was the finger pointing back towards me.
Right now I am going through a huge humbling phase.
There are parts of my world I cant control right now…changes in my
body I cant contain. There are situations I’m impatient to see and
through it all the independent, fleeting side of my persona
often desires to be alone and free when feeling emotionally, physically
and spiritually enclosed. These fears and constant sense of
anxiety overtakes my spirit sometimes and attacks those closest to me.
The biggest attack however, is the shadow that darkened the light in my
soul…in those moments of obscurity I feel lost, I sense sadness and I
know nothing but pain.
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear… 1 John 4:18
Whenever you feel anger, sadness or resentment the person, place or thing you target isn’t the cause…those elements are all symbols of something greater reflected inside of you. In
the last couple days Ive really examined my fears and have more power
and ability to change them because I’m not seeking outside.
I’m seeking within..and I’m allowing love to guide my actions for where there is love, there is no fear. I
like to believe I am a good person – but I must also acknowledge the
underbelly of the existence I carry. I am not perfect…and most of
all, I need to let go of fears and let God handle them. I can’t control
this world regardless of how much I try to build a shell of security.
And I can’t attack my surroundings because that doesn’t fix the
Today I am choosing to bury those fears. Today I am submitting my power and letting go…and letting God.
“Let Go. And Let God”….thank you to the person who gave me this phrase. Yes, it did come in handy.
Journal Pictures June 9, 2008
Hiking Red Rock Canyon in Las Vegas on Thursday. It was super fun and amazing.
My life traveling partner – David! We had soo much fun.
We decided that whenever we can’t communicate – we should just climb.
It really joins us as a team.
The best part of having a strenuous day – is relaxing after!
We stayed the first few nights at the Luxor and then at the Venetian. So pretty!
My sister, Christine Kang’s Bachelorette party! This is us checking in!
Such a pretty Bride-to-Be!!
The girls night out! We watched “Thunder down Under” then went to Cathouse and Tao.
Angel and Rachel – love this shot of them!
Yes – Christine had a ton of fun…
The boys night out! (this was a joint/split Bachelor/Bachelorette party)
The center guy, Edgar, is my future brother-in-law!
Saturday night – getting ready to party at Tryst.
My beautiful sisters. We all look similar but are also uniquely different. I’m the shortest!
This is seriously how I looked all weekend. I only drank water…I went to the room early from fatigue…
and I slept most of the day. So tired!