I want to be me.

December 26, 2007

December 26, 2007

Merry Christmas Everyone! This year we celebrated at my sister’s house, where I brought my favorite homemade dishes: Brownies and Salad! It is our tradition to stay up until midnight and open presents…I was so excited watching my family open gifts that took time, thought and preparation.

Right now I am in a solemn mood from a head cold, a burning deadline and a familiar feeling of solitude.  I am not a lonely person, for I see many friends throughout the week, talk to people inside the gym and converse daily with my family. However, while we have ‘routine’ discussions, talks and conversations…lately I’ve been falling short on friends who truly listen.

Even though Christmas amplifies our materialism and lack of spiritual understanding of the month’s significance, on a daily basis….we are all still very much deficient of the main ingredient that promotes growth, instills peace and encourages connection – and that is LOVE.

In order to truly love someone, you must step outside yourself and become ‘ego-less’. Not only must you open your heart and release your judgments, but you must also quiet your words and allow yourself to hear what someone is saying.

Throughout my life I felt solitude – a sick feeling of seclusion, because I didn’t feel heard.

I’ve written so much – in my 14 diaries, my 3 sites, and all my unsent letters…because I can’t verbally say how I feel.

I’ve let go of past ‘loves’ in my life – because I felt an irritating sense of isolation even though there was a false ‘warmth’ from a physical presence.

And even when I do speak – I still feel so unheard.

Right now, I want to say I’m hurt.

I’m human and I am not perfect.

I have an ego.

I do envy.

I do desire.

I do want to be heard.

I want to be loved and I want to love.

I want someone to see me and not see their reflection.

I want someone to listen to me and not hear their own voice.

I want someone to love me and not love their own vision of me.

I want to be me.

Journal Pictures December 26, 2007

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Mr. T is soooo cute! He fell asleep sick early Christmas Eve

Here we are dancing to Christmas Carols. I burned my dessert off!

My little Angel.

Christmas at Christine and Edgars house – I LOVE my family.

Playing games, telling jokes and talking about the true meaning behind Christmas.

Danielle turned 5! I remember when she was an itty, bitty little baby.

All my sister’s together for the big birthday bash at a jumphouse –
We NEVER had humongous parties like this when we were little. Whatever happened to ‘pin the tail on the donkey’??

Brian came into town from San Francisco. Yay! I got him a really funny Christmas gift!