Forgiving myself.

March 18, 2010

March 18, 2010

I feel like I can’t stop crying these days. I am literally tired, stressed, burned out and unhappy. Physically, my body is so exhausted from carrying the baby, being 9 months pregnant and running around everywhere. Emotionally, I feel alone, unloved and disconnected. Mentally, I’m tired of my cell phone, calculator, notebook and computer.

I smile and put on a great face for everyone every day but every night I close my eyes and can’t sleep through a full night without anxiety of tackling the next day. Never have I felt this level of unhappiness,
loneliness and stress.

What hurts me most is knowing that above all of these responsibilities, I’m a pregnant mother. I don’t know any woman who deals with the amount of work I face every day at this level in their pregnancy. I don’t know any woman who continues to operate a house while caring for her little one and maintaining her professional obligations. I’m upset, frustrated, mad and resentful.

My dad gave me a call tonight. He rarely calls me (as I usually visit them daily). But, he called me tonight because he knew the kind of day I had. When I heard his voice tears began cascading down my face. He
said, I know you’re working a lot and dealing with a lot of stress, but I know you can handle this Maria you’ve always been a strong woman and things will get better.  While his words strengthened me, it didn’t sedate me as I had hoped.

I am a strong woman.

I know I can close my eyes and start taking action without allowing my emotions to take over. I know I can burst through every day with charisma, energy and leadership.

But sometimes I don’t want to.

Sometimes I just want to cry and be real with myself. I want to be forgiving of the fact that I am over-worked, that my pregnancy is very tiring and that I would rather be with my son than any appointment I have to make.

Then I cry. And then I get pissed off for crying because my eyes will be swollen the next day.

I don’t want to be “that” person in life who pretends they’re happy all the time. I don’t want to post cheerful updates on my network profiles or “tweet” about how exciting my life is…

because it is…and it isn’t.

Life is about these moments that challenge our spirits to overcome the peak ahead. I’ve been climbing for months now…and while I’m ready to stop, I know I can’t.

I will persevere…because I know I am a strong woman…but I’m also human and I know it’s okay to cry and let the whole world know it.

God Bless.

Journal Pictures March 17, 2010

We went to the IHRSA conference in San Diego this past weekend.
I love this shot…of course, I think there’s a HUGE difference between being ‘fit’
and being ‘healthy.’

Every year I see my friends in the industry. Natalie and I
actually met at the IDEA conference many years ago. She
works for Garmin and is a raw food nut! Love her!
I am 36 weeks preggers!

These bikes were so cool. They weren’t ‘stationary’ persay,
as it moved side to side adding more core performance in your workout.

I love trying new products and seeing what’s up and coming.
These shoes look like feet gloves! is a great resource for trainers!

We visited the San Diego Zoo the next day. It
was beautiful that day.

Posing near the big elephant! While Christian is only
14 months he still enjoyed seeing the animals.

Check out that big gorilla next to my little man!

Cute shot of the two bugs in my life!