January 27, 2009

I only slept 3 hours last night and I’m finally experiencing some physical relief from my traumatic labor experience 2.5 weeks ago.  While I spend most of my days on the couch feeding the baby, I still try to juggle my fatigue with article deadlines, C.OR.E. meetings,
care home work responsibilities and family commitments. I’ve definitely
tapered my schedule since Christian’s birth, but I haven’t totally
eliminated all my routine tasks.  Originally, I thought planning continued extensive responsibilities in January would
help prevent post-partum depression and feelings of uncertainty.
However now that I can feel, touch, see and hear him…that’s all I
want to do.

I could spend hours just staring at him. He’s amazing…absolutely
miraculous. And I can’t believe how much love I have for this tiny
human being.

It has been admittedly challenging dealing with delayed breast milk, prolonged crying and bodily pain and exhaustion.  Right now, I can’t imagine dreaming of a wonderful full night’s sleep or a day without ear-jerking cries. But that’s okay

If I had to go through labor multiple times over…I would.

If I didn’t sleep or shower for days…I would.

If my full time job was to care, love and nurture this child…I would.

I would do anything to ensure this baby knows he is loved…that he is a
gift from God- a miraculous person who was born of love and built for a
purpose. I want to instill in him enormous amounts of love.

These past couple weeks I have been learning how to be a mother – moreover, I
have been learning what a mother is. I’m learning how to communicate
through Christian’s cries. I’m learning how to teach him to trust me.
I’m constantly learning…every day…in each moment with him.

Life has definitely changed for me I’m no longer who I once was.

I’m a mother now

and today, more than any other day – I truly know I am growing into the woman I was meant to become.