June 19, 2006
This past weekend I was a bridesmaid in my favorite uncle, Eddie Aducayen’s wedding. I credit my uncle for many things: he introduced me to the world of pageantry when we used to watch Miss America when I was little. He continued to be my biggest supporter (with my mom) and made it a point to make it to every national and international competition. He choreographed my first cheerleading tryout routine for and he brought the beauty of music into our household.
And now he’s married! Wow. How time flies by
That night, while it was a wonderful time of celebration – it was also an emotionally difficult night for me as well. I hadn’t seen many family and friends for a very long time and it’s hard for me when the 1st thing they mention is how much weight I’ve gained. While I’m not ‘fat’ – and even though I still train 9 sessions/wk and eat 5 small, healthy meals a day…due to a past eating disorder, and fluctuating body fat levels, my metabolism has slowed.
What makes it hard for me to understand is ‘why’ people would say negative and critical things non-chalantly – as if I weren’t human…as if I didn’t have any other dimension to my body or face.
What irks me most is when I’m no longer a ‘person’ – I’m someone’s daughter, cousin, girlfriend, sister, niece, grand daughter…I am whoever I am in relation to that person. Not only does ‘owning’ someone’s image un-real, it’s painful to whoever’s identity you possessed and took presence over.
When I made a conscious decision to ‘take ownership’ of my personal self, my personal ‘brand’ – I lost friends…I lost loved ones…and I realized that my life was set up in a fake world of people who didn’t love me for me – they ‘loved’ me because what I reflected in them.
As I cried next to Louis Saturday night, I shed tears of years for being misunderstood, misinterpreted and misjudged. While it’s hard to overcome negative energy – it’s harder to live in the shadow of others opinions.
Today I stand real. Everything I do and say is a conscious realness that pervades from an honest, sincere and loving energy inside my heart. I pray that we all become ‘real’ and begin owning who we are and what we truly mean to this world and the people who truly love us.