July 25, 2007
Woah. I feel so exhausted right now. This past weekend was spent at the LA NPC Show where I was able to spend quality time with very special people. I was also able to catch up with new and old friends whom I feel so blessed to know and admire.
Currently I feel so absorbed with thoughts, ideas, experiences and emotions that it’s really hard for me to write when I’m in learning mode. For the last week I feel as if I’ve been moving but not being ‘really present’ whenever I arrived anywhere. There are several projects I’m juggling at any single moment and my brain is always working so much faster than my body.
Last night, I had a small altercation with a close person and it was difficult to remain calm and reserved when I wanted to condemn, put down and insult her in return. Instead, I respectfully listened, expressed my sadness and apologized for any misunderstandings. After the conversation ended, I turned around to look at my friend Brian who was listening in the background and tried to calmly explain what the small incident was about.
I’ve been able to discipline my body and mind from reacting after years of having a public identity, competing/speaking on stages and working with people where composure is absolutely key. However, when the front door closes, when the curtains lower and the day is done, I am human. And I hurt.
As I stared at Brian trying to talk, it was difficult avoiding the need for tissues or the pitying of another soul. I wasn’t crying because of the recent incident, I was crying from years of feeling attacked, feeling alone and metaphysically absorbing people’s positive and negative energies.
We all symbolize a presence to the people we allow into our lives. How they utilize us is what makes us who we are. Like any professional, people ask for us for tools because we provide that specific instrument.
Examine if people seek you for encouragement, trust, leadership, service, etc. Your friend or your foe ‘chose you’ because you are gifted to handle the spiritual burden they transmit when you live in each other’s worlds. When Friends reach out for your strength, they challenge your gifts. When Foes attack they aim for that same strength, for that is your same weakness…in that moment, your gifts are revealed more visibly to you and those whose energies you attract.
Everyone is born with spiritual gifts that are unique and specific to their cause in life.
Ever since I was little, I absorbed a lot of people’s pain. I saw it, I felt it, I allowed it to touch and hurt me. I’ve developed my compassion, my search for truth and service to others because of this pain. My unique sensitivity has allowed me to experience life at a level only I as a single individual can understand. These emotions are manifested in all I say, write and do.
Last night as I spoke, my fast beating heart caught up to my voice and my eyes started to swell with tears. A flush of pain, disappointment and sadness from life changes finally caught up to me. I didn’t feel vulnerable to him, or to my offender or even to my past mistakes….I felt vulnerable to God. I knew I needed to re-engage myself with the only judgment that provided real value.
I drove home to Sacramento that night in prayer. Today as I type my little heart away, I know it is not me speaking through these words now visible on this screen and allowing all of you to read. These words come from an intentional heart hoping that you realize your gift, your power and your presence in this world.
Journal Pictures: July 25, 2007
At the LA ProShow with Bodybuilding.com representative, Brenda Kelly.
With Japanese IFBB pro Bodybuilder, Hidetada Yamagishi. It was sooo fun
to see him there because we were emailing each other days before for an
article I am writing on the Olympia.
Dave Slagle is one of my coolest friends! I am now unoffically the JSN girl! I’m totally stocked on Nitro supps and will give the low down on my new diet plan on fitnesscure.com
I love looking tiny compared to men with big muscles! ha~!
Tanji Johnson is my favorite fitness competitor and my vote to win Fitness Olympia. She is a hoot to be around. I worked with her on her “Excellent Spirit” clothing line this weekend.
Eryk Bui! Strong Asian representative and fantastic blog writer!
This beautiful woman, Kirsten Nicewarner, is a figure competitor, mother, GNC sponsored athlete and absolutely beautiful inside and out.
Funny Posedown with all the Olympia competitors. Bob is an awesome host.
There were a TON of figure competitors, and only ONE fitness competitor. Crazy!
With a wonderful Christian friend, Jack, at Bel Air Presbyterian Church on Sunday. Check out his film company, DreamPost, in which Global Transformations really inspired me to know his passion more.
For the last month, I’ve also been listening to online sermons at Seattle’s Mars Hill Church. I highly recommend the Book of Ruth series.
Quentin was sooooo adorable. Little doggies are soo cute.
of my favorite moments this weekend was a sushi dinner with Joshua. I
met him when I was 15 at the mall. He ran into an elevator before it
closed to get my name! Naturally, he has become successful at selling
himself ever since!
This was an impromptu shot taken 10 minutes ago at my friend’s house in
SF- I am obviously in pajamas, just took a shower and shy from staring
at the screen for 2 hours trying to get into a writing flow! Writing is
NOT easy y’all!
My closest friend in S.F. – Brian Woo. Thankyou! Thankyou! Thankyou!
Check out MMSF’s August Issue!
On page 34, you can find my travel tips! Look! That’s US on the LEFT!!!!!