January 17, 2011

Nicholas took his first steps today.  At nine months he can walk the entire kitchen and climb stairs. He smiles all the time. He loves baths. He craves affection and loves playing with his brother. He looks for me now too. For the last couple weeks he’s been crawling to my bedroom whenever I’m absent for long periods of time. As soon as he arrives he searches above to see if he can see my figure, then he climbs the stairs to our bed to cuddle and kiss me.

I’ve been in my bed a lot lately. Whenever I’m in a solemn or pensive mood, I retreat to my bed where I lay and think for hours on end. I’ve been thinking about my goals for this year. I’ve been envisioning who I want to be five years from now. Most of all, I’ve been pondering what makes me happy.

Happiness seems so elusive. There are things that give me short-term happiness like a smile from my sons, a feature in a magazine or a really good workout. But when the boys go to sleep, when the goal is complete and when the project is done I’m always left craving more. My search for happiness feels like an unending thirst.

I am happiest when I’m working towards something whether that is a competition, a financial goal or a big event. I like putting the pieces together, striving for solutions daily and struggling to stay on a focused track. I am happiest when I’m in process.

As I exist each day of my life I know that I’m moving but if I’m not setting unattainable goals, then I’m not moving upward I’m just moving. Just operating.

I am not an operational person.

I have my daily routines: I wake, I train, I instruct, I cook, I feed, I clean, I work, I drive but, in-between my mundane have to’s in life, I try to do something each day that challenges me.

Attempting to challenge myself daily is tricky as I have to find a constant balance between what I can and cannot do. Besides mastering my personal abilities, I also have to master my emotional drive. I want to feel content but unsatisfied, happy but unsettled… successful but disappointed.

Right now I feel settled.

I’m in great shape. I have a beautiful, healthy family. I have a successful business. I have an operating nonprofit. It is really hard to reflect on my life right now and say, I want more

But I do. I want more because more makes me happy. When I’m moving towards a meaningful goal, I feel like I’m utilizing my God given talents towards a larger purpose. At 30 years old, I have been given a lot from this life, not by chance, but by pure choice. I ask for more responsibility and so, I was given more.

So as I sit and continue to sit and think about what I want more of?’, it’s a difficult decision because I know that once I decide my destinations, I begin to chart my map. When I start to visualize the voyage, my journey begins –

While the journey is hard, tiresome, arduous and sometimes difficult it’s that journey that makes me happy. For it’s because of that journey, that I unveil my hidden talents, my tenacious will and my internal power to succeed.

It’s because of the journey that I discover myself.and through that discovery is where I obtain authentic happiness.

Happiness is not found in the destination, it’s found in the journey.

Journal Pictures: January 12 2010

Getting ready for my baby’s 2nd Birthday!!! Sneaky little man
wouldn’t leave me and the cupcakes alone!

Party at “My Gym”. It was awesome!! They let Christian go in
the center while we created waves.

He was so incredibly happy the entire time.

Love this part…They let him ride around with a birthday hat
and balloons.

Becoming a mother is the best thing that ever happened to me.

Later that evening with my Lolo! They share the same birthdate!

I suited him up – and he looked so adorable!!

I love this picture of him! As usual, most of his gifts are in the garage still.
I detest clutter in the house!
So we bring them out one by one.

Love this shirt!

With my good friend Mark Sackett at his active networking event, “The Box” in SF

Love my little guy – yes, those are bruises.
No, I dont beat him. LOL
He just loves to climb and roll and fall over everything!

Little walker!!!