August 9, 2011
I have been crazy, ridiculously, unsustainably emotional lately. The other day, I called my mother complaining about a bothersome issue and she said, You know who I feel sorry for? I feel sorry for that baby in you. It must be hard going through so much stress just existing inside of you. Of course, I started to cry more. No surprise, since my hormonal tears come out instantaneously at any given moment and for any given reason.
In typical Maria fashion, I’ve got a lot on my plate right now. It’s not the normal stuff found in my mom-me events, nonprofit programs or business operations. Right now I am making efforts to progress in several other directions. I feel like if I’m not reading an informational book, watching an educational movie or performing a productive task, then my day is wasted.
I’ve always been like this.
I’m not one who can easily lounge around watching a funny movie or indulge in a romance novel in the middle of the afternoon. I can’t even enjoy some TV time at the end of the day because this is my opportunity to update sites, write emails, send pending faxes and prepare for the following days duties.
While my mother advised me to find something I like to do that’s peaceful’, I also noted that David made the same remark fifteen minutes prior. You see I am fully aware of my flaws. Before conversing with my mother, I sat down with David and had a heart-to-heart conversation where I cried my eyes out and confided that I felt internally overwhelmed. I was already half-sane when I spoke to my mother, but she knew intuitively that I was breaking down inside.
We all have personal flaws some of us acknowledge them more than others. After all, there are many shortcomings of close friends and family members that I often wonder Do they know they are like this? And of course, If they did, would they care?
I have always been one to care. My mother knows that. I’m very sensitive to my inner nature and the shortcomings I behold. Right now, I feel like my life is in the hands of others. In my working world, I see life like a sport. You throw a ball then you wait for it to be thrown back. My interactions with people in the working world are all about playing catch and of course, WHO you play catch with.
As it stands, I have players, but they aren’t playing fast enough. Some aren’t playing hard enough. Some just don’t want to play with me. In the end, I blame myself because if I focus on the other side of the stick, then I definitely have no control.
So as I look in the mirror each day, I ask myself, how can I be more aggressive, more thorough, and more concise…most importantly, how can I be more in CONTROL?
In these hardest moments I realize more fully that I’m not in control.
In these crazy, hormonal, emotional moments…that’s when I give it all up to him and that’s when I start praying and only then is when I find true peace.
Constant self-reflection is a very difficult task, for it opens up negative aspects about yourself that needs improving. Sure I need to start smelling the roses and maybe I can be less harsh when I talk and I admit I’m not the best at anything
But I’m trying.
Journal Pictures: August 9 2011
I love this picture of my little man. We were at the park for the first of two
parties we attended on Saturday.
My men horsing around.
Swimming at Auntie Angel’s 28th Birthday party!
(that’s my sister Angel in case you may think it’s me)
Smiling for the camera (me) UNDERWATER!