June 29, 2009

My mother had a small heart attack on her birthday last week.
During dialysis she experienced high blood pressure and a tightening in
her chest area. She was sent to the hospital where they discovered she
had a heart attack and diagnosed her with coronary heart disease.
We can either risk surgery or manage her health through medication.
Either way, her desire for a kidney transplant has been compromised and
her quality of life has definitely decreased.

As I write this I am drained. After five days in the hospital and another
small heart attack she’s finally home. In addition to her sickness,
Christian was also sick this entire weekend – keeping us awake as
we consoled his coughs and wheezing. Lastly, a wonderful elderly woman
in a care home I manage was also admitted to the hospital around the
same time as my mother. She is now back on Hospice watch.

So if you can only imagine, my days have been filled with emotional
obligations as well as professional work. Not only did I focus on
completing trips to the hospital, attending to Christian and going to
the pharmacy, but I also had nonprofit meetings, article interviews and
paperwork to complete as David and I are in the process of home-buying.

As we went over my resume with the loan consultant it was humbling to see how I left a life of stability, to a life of a free agent.  In that moment, decisions I made…feelings I followed…risks I took…all succumbed me.

And then I thought about the catalyst that moved me back to Sacramento and ultimately influenced my decision to quit a job I loved

My parents visited my place in the city and when they left, I kissed my mother good bye and as I closed the gate she looked at me with glossy eyes and said, I want you to come home. I consoled her and said I would visit soon, but
as soon as they left, I cried seeing her cry I thought about her health – how I knew she was suffering and how much I would regret not helping the one person I wanted to help most in this world…my mother. Two weeks later, I came home to Sacramento.

It is interesting what inspires our decisions in life.   

. Passion has always been my reason.

When family and friends finally left me alone with my mom in the hospital, I held her hand and I cried. I cried so much my eyes became blood shot swollen and my heart pained so bad it felt like it was tearing away with hers…I felt sadness, frustration, and longing.     I felt angry.

We will never know what happens in life but as long as we live with
integrity, vitality and passion, we will have lived a good,
unapologetic life.

I read many years ago that after $30k per year (essentially having your basic needs met), everyone is equally depressed. Regardless if you are rich, thin or married, you cannot escape the natural human tendency to question your existence, your actions and your purpose. It is easy to become confused, depressed, lonely and sad when your life becomes complex with false power, insincere titles and pompous people.   We spend much of our life wanting what we can’t have versus appreciating what we already have.

We cannot buy happiness.
We cannot buy love.
We cannot buy youth.
and today I’m reminded most
that we cannot buy our health.

Take care of yourself. God Bless.